Saturday, November 21, 2009

You've Stolen My Earhart

Holy fucking shit.

Have you ever seen a picture of Amelia Earhart?

'Cause she looks like this:
Jeeeeeezus. Why does nobody tell me anything important?

Why did I learn nothing of value in elementary school?

See this book?
I read this book in second grade. (I read it really fast, too. I was in the Owl group.)

This book talks about how brave Amelia Earhart was; how daring she was for her time. It tells you that girls can do everything!

For some reason, though, the book neglects to inform its impressionable reader that Amelia Earhart was a MOTHERFUCKING BUTCH
HEART ATTACK MONSTER BABE who will steal your soul if you look in her puckish, twinkling dyke-eyes.
NOWHERE in the book are there actual pictures of Amelia Earhart.
Had there been real pictures, I could have saved myself years of painful questioning and experimentation. One look at Amelia would have solved it. *BAM!*

I would have opened to Page One and gone, "Oh, I guess I'm a homosexual. Thanks, Amelia Earhart!"

Girls really can do everything.
So, after seeing real photographs of Amelia Earhart, the question is: What am I supposed to do now?

I was going to go see Amelia on the big screen this Friday. You know, because Hilary Swank is in it. Hilary Swank acting dyke-y is like Christmas morning for my imagination.

Boys Don't Cry? Tragic. I was shattered.
But: new fantasies. (I realize this is like jerking off to Schindler's List, but it can't be helped.)Million Dollar Baby? Tragic.
But: I was set for months of "Krista Alone Time."Hilary Swank as Amelia Earhart in Amelia? Let me give that a FUCK YES. I was ready to see this movie.
But now I just don't know. I don't know if I can stand to watch Hilary swanking around in my lover Amelia's clothes.

Now that I've learned the truth about the real Amelia Earhart (namely, that she was so hot I've been considering drowning myself in a cold shower, just to be with her)...I'm not so sure I can watch this movie.
Well. A passionate crush on a dead person.
I've sunk to a new low.

Unlike the time I had a boner for Kylee, the barista/cello player who models on the side, this time, my crush is dead.
No amount of charm is going get me into Amelia's jodhpurs. Nothing I can say or do is going to get me anywhere near that sweet boyish pilot-ass.
Maybe if I go see Hilary Swank in Amelia, I can conjure up an imaginary threesome: me, Amelia I, and Amelia II. "Ladies, are we sure we have enough lube for the propeller? It's going to be a very long flight, and we'll really be packed in there."

That miiiiiiiight make me feel better.
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12 comments:

  1. Can I have a mini version of you to keep in my pocket? Your posts always have me bursting into hilarious laughter.

    When you're ever in San Francisco you HAVE to tell me.

    Also, I am SO excited about this movie, because I'm also in love with both Amelia Earhart and Hilary Swank. ::Swoon::

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  2. Oh hell yeah!!! Amelia was one of my first lady crushes. She's so badass. And she works the jodhpurs like no other lady. AND Hillary Swank looks particularly delicious in this role. Her red choppy short hairs and pilot gear. mmmm.

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  3. dude, seriously, she is somethin' else. and you completely bookended it with the damn-best pictures.

    anyhow, don't think of it as having a crush on a dead person - at this point it pretty much counts as having a crush on a fictional characters (who you have hot photos of). you know, 'cause once you've been famous *and* dead for like 70 years you're sort of like history/mythology. and also, i have a vested interest in thinking it is perfectly cool to have crushes on fictional characters. *ahem*

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  4. I think you're totally healthy. Just sayin. And thank you for a fantastic post. All the best you to you, your crush, and your recovering fang. Heh.

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  5. I keep coming back to this post. I kind of never want you to update your blog again. And I kind of can't wait to see what you post next. It's a conundrum. LOL

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  6. I know that this post is ages old, but it is one of my Favorite Things. I love Amelia; I love your blog; I think I will just set this article to be my homepage right goddamn now.

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  7. It consoles me to think that maybe-- just *maybe*-- a future version of you invents a time machine and takes her into the future to be your love slave. This hypothesis works so much better for me than a plane crash.

    PS-- Do me a favor and land the machine on Hitler.

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  8. Fuck yeah Amelia! What a great blog you have! I'll be back to read more. I presume you obsessed/researched enough to find out about her little relationship with Eleanor Roosevelt. She totally swooned the First Lady and a lot of other women who were interested in riding in her plane. What a gig. She was dreamy.

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  9. I've had a long time crush on Marguerite Yourcenar. Come on. First woman admitted to the French Academy, lesbian, vegetarian. She's my hero.
    Also, my girlfriend is a pilot. She's freaking hot. I love her.

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  10. I used to work at Borders, and one day some lady was buying a book on Oscar Wilde. I was like, "Oh hey, he's my dead historical crush!" :3 because I am that kind of gay boy. She just gave me a look like ".......You have dead historical crushes O_o !?"

    Yes, yes I do. As all right-thinking people should, because some dead historical people were just THAT. FUCKING. COOL.

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  11. With out a doubt this skinny cunt was a degenerate carpet muncher..

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