Tuesday, November 10, 2009

More Classtime = More Asstime

Alright, everybody put your book under your desk.

Get out a sheet of paper and a pencil.


Read each question carefully.

1) Diana the Bisexual Hipster lives in New York City. She spends her time going to concerts for bands that nobody's ever heard of. One night, at a concert for The Weakerthans, Diana sees A Really Hot Girl. Diana gets a drink at the bar and decides to watch the Really Hot Girl for a minute, to gauge the situation. The Really Hot Girl is: mixed ethnicity, slim, and has a choppy haircut with colored streaks.

Tonight, she is wearing: tight-ass jeans, smart-girl glasses, leather cuffs on both her wrists, a T-shirt with butterflies and unicorns on it, a Carhartt jacket, lots of eyeliner, and black motorcycle boots.


WHAT SHOULD DIANA DO? ___________________
2) Alicia Homosexual works on a large horse ranch in Bumblefuck, New Mexico. She works with lots of ranch hands, but she especially likes Jan, a ranch hand who seems as if she might be a lesbian. Alicia isn't sure whether Jan prefers men or women, and would like to be sure before asking Jan out. (Rural New Mexico is not the place to be asking other people if they are gay, and ranch hands carry guns.)
Jan is: 45 years old, Caucasian, brawny, and has a short haircut.

Today, she is wearing: men's jeans, a worn flannel shirt, a Carhartt jacket, brown steel-toed boots, a vest with lots of pockets, and an assortment of gold rings - one on almost every finger. Jan has pierced ears. She never wears sunscreen.

IS JAN STRAIGHT OR GAY? __________________

WHAT SHOULD ALICIA DO? _________________
Each of these questions is worth 50% of your final grade.
TIME'S UP! Pencils down.
Pass your papers forward.

Ok, people, are you ready for the answers?

Let's look at Question #1.

Q: Is the Really Hot Girl straight or gay?

A: Ha! Is this test for babies?
The Really Hot Girl is, without question, 100% gay. Absolutely, positively a dyke. How do I know? Fuck everything else, look at her Carhartt jacket! Only lesbians wear Carhartt jackets in the city.
If you don't know, a Carhartt jacket is khaki-or-olive-colored jacket you can buy at Fleet Farm, and Carhartt is a brand-name for farmers.
You cannot live in a city and have a Carhartt jacket and not be a lesbian. It is simply not possible. Hipster dykes wear them "ironically." Straight people do not own ironic items from Carhartt.
Q: What should Diana the Bisexual Hipster do?
A: Buy that ironic lesbian a drink! Then spend the rest of the night comparing who knows more people in shitty bands.
How about Question #2?
Q: Is Jan straight or gay?

A: Trick question!!
It's impossible to tell.
Jan has all the classic dyke signifiers: she's big and muscular, has a short haircut, and she wears men's clothes, including the Carhartt Jacket.
BUT!!!!! Jan works on a ranch in rural New Mexico. Farm women look like dykes, dress like dykes, and act like dykes. Most of the time, though, they're straight.

Do you understand why Jan is not definitely a lesbian? Jan is not wearing the Carhartt jacket ironically. Jan is a real ranch hand who really works on a ranch! Alicia needs definitive proof that Jan likes women, such as finding girlie mags under Jan's mattress.
Q: What should Alicia Homosexual do?

A: Stay the hell away from Jan until she's certain Jan is gay.
These were tricky, weren't they?
Well, we've been working on our Girlie Gaydar for a long time now; it's only natural that the questions would be getting harder.

So, to sum up, just so we're all on the same page here:

* If a woman is wearing a Carhartt jacket and lives in a large city...She's gay.

* If a woman is wearing a Carhartt jacket and lives in the country...She's straight until further notice.

* If a woman is wearing a Carhartt jacket, is from the country, and is visiting a large city...she's gay and in town for Pride Weekend.
And class? Everybody failed.

We can't submit these scores! With No Child Left Behind, we'd be in deep shit.
We'll call this a practice test, and try again soon.


  1. hahahaha!!!! so true. so, so true.

  2. can you get this blog published into a book? like, that "stuff white people like" blog that's now a book... except yours is way better. i'd buy copies to hand out on the street. it's genius, really.

    my girlfriend has exactly two coats. and guess what...they are the exact two pictured on this blog entry--no joke. i about fell off my chair laughing so hard.

  3. Ha! Too funny. Howdy ma'am, I just added you to my Blogs I Follow section on my own blog. Looking forward to improving my gaydar and laughing along the way...

  4. LOL! You have no idea how much I need this blog. My gaydar died and went to gaydar heaven.

  5. shit this is so true I used to wear these carharrt jackets hahahaha
    nice article

  6. Carhartt jackets are the only thing I see advertised on every site I visit. Senor Gif, youtube, and more.

  7. Aww...I got part B of the first question wrong. I was like, "Oh, she is super duper gaymosexual."
    and what should Diana do? "Hit that."
    And then when I read the answers, I felt like the teacher pictured would have yelled at me, "NO! You don't 'Hit that'! You buy her a drink! LEARN CHILD."

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  10. I have a Carhartt jacket and I live in Italy. Am I a gay? Lol