Monday, November 16, 2009

Fangs for Nothin'

Hey gays!

Yesterday morning, I was home in Chicago and I was awake early.
Both of these circumstances are unusual. I am never home and I am never, ever awake early.


The dawn broke. I was suddenly taken with the way my favorite lil' piece looked in the morning light. She was naked, sleeping, and had both her arms thrown over her head. (Cosmo's What Does Your Man's Sleeping Style Say About Him? article says that means CJ is arrogant yet needing love.) She looked adorable. She looked soft. She looked...vulnerable.

My thirst was unbearable. With the deathly Dark hiss of the Undead, I reared back. I bared my fangs. Exposed soft flesh! I lunged!
My victim's scream pierced the cold morning air.

It was almost as loud as mine.

OWWWWWW!!!!!!!!


Awakened in a flash, CJ lept from a dead sleep to fully standing.
"BABY, WHAT THE HELL???!" she bellowed.

I couldn't speak. I was crouched in the corner, covering my mouth with my hands, making small, mewling noises.

People, I...I chipped my tooth. On CJ's hipbone.

I've never had very good depth perception.
Perhaps this is God's way of saying, "I don't like it when you do role-playing with your homosexual lover."

The tiny, deep-blue puncture-mark on her skin started slowly filling up with blood.

CJ nobly forgot her fury when she saw that my pain was greater than hers.

CJ: Did you hurt your mouth?
(I can't answer)

CJ: What the hell were you doing?
(I can't answer)

CJ: Here, lemme see. (Pries my hand away from my mouth) Your tooth?
(I nod miserably)

CJ: It's chipped! You chipped your fang!
(slowly dawning realization)
Omigod...I'm safe! Safe at last!!

This sucks. Fuuuuuuck. My cute lil' sharp canine. My fang!

How am I supposed to be a vampire now?
Shit.

I used to think I was special, but now I know the truth. I'm not the only lesbian with a vampire thing. (Tawnya, if you're reading this, I want my vamporn comics back. And the pages better not be all stuck together.) There's tons of lesbo-vampire erotica out there. Lots of us dykes loooove vampires. Why is that?

Not surprisingly, I have theories.

Theory #1: Lesbians love vampires because they're sexy. Draining someone's life-force through a throbbing, vulnerable pulse point is kinda...ummm, alotlikefistingwhosaidthat? Think about it: Vampires. Someone is clearly the top, and someone is clearly the bottom. There's a lot of power-play goin' on. Also, instead of being portrayed in the media as hideous monsters, vampire-women are always hot babes who wear tight black outfits and vicious heels. Dykes like hot babes in tight black outfits even more than straight male teenagers. Theory #2: Lesbians love vampires because vampires, just like lesbians, actively recruit. You get bitten by a vampire and like it; you join the team. You get fucked by a hot girl and like it; you join the team.
Theory #3: Lesbians love vampires because vampires are not afraid of blood. Lesbians aren't afraid of blood, either. They can't be. Take two girls living together - when their cycles start matching up, that bathroom trash is going to look like a murder scene once a month. Theory #4: Lesbians like vampires because boi dykes want Edward Cullen's hair. Theory #5: Lesbians like vampires because a surprising amount of dykes have strangely sharp canine teeth. It's true! Look around at your muff-diving friends. Check out those teeth! I think it must be genetic. Sharp canines = more likely to want to bite tender female necks.
Theory #6: Lesbians love vampires because lesbians worship Angelina Jolie. Angelina Jolie used to wear a vial of her lover's blood around her neck. She no longer does this. Obviously, it was an emergency snack.
I don't know about you homos, but I've read/seen enough Ann Rice, True Blood, Twilight, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, etc etc to fill my mind with violent vampire nonsense and trash, 24 hours a day!

It is not my fault if the females around me continue to get undressed with no thought to their personal safety.
So the lion laid down with the lamb.

What a stupid lamb.
What a sick, masochistic lion (who has to go to the dentist.)

5 comments:

  1. I.. I kinda really want Edwards hair. D:
    But Edward isn't an actual vampire.
    Twilight = Fail. Don't even.
    -Sburg

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  2. I got to the end of that entire hilarious read and realized you never posted a photo of your fangless state. Tsk. Big big tsk.

    Not such a Twilight fan here. Big big Sookie Stackhouse fan. Maybe I want Eric's hair. Or his ability to fly. And I have a huge crush on Betanya. Rowr.

    Will you have to tell this whole story to the dentist?

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  3. LMAO! This was hysterical! You chipped your tooth! HAAAA HAAAA HAHAHA HA HA!

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  4. The hottest tween obsession since sleeping with your teacher. What about The Count from Sesame Street? He's pretty hot, too. Don't you want his cape?

    I'm watching a Jay Leno special on New Moon. Can ya tell? I apologize for the awful comments.

    (But I DO want the cape and I suspect you do, too, KRB.)

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  5. epic blog and now with TWILIGHT references!
    it just keeps getting better and better.
    - i am spending today reading through all the posts on here. 2 hours in!

    ReplyDelete