Monday, October 26, 2009

You Ottawa Stop In

Hiya, homos!

Guess where I am??
Guess guess.

OkI'lltellyou. I'm in Ottawa. Ottawa, Canada. The second-coldest city in the entire world.
Now, if you read Effing Dykes with a fine-tooth comb (I know you've been printing out your favorite entries and Mod Podge-ing them over your mirror), you doubtless know that I despise Canada.

I really do.

Despising Canada is complicated. It's a whole bunch of emotions tangled up together.
It's my own Special Fury Blend comprised of:

1) scorn for people who wear Tevas with socks

2) boredom (you people have so much land. Something to look at during a 10-hour car ride would not go amiss.)

3) derision for the Canadian accent

4) irritation with French-people-who-aren't-really-French-at-all-'cause-they-live-in-Canada-for-fuck's-sake (and who will also never, never have their own country, do you hear me, Quebecois??), and

5)extreme, blind, completely justifiable, seething envy for socialized healthcare and a gun-less society.
Smug Canadian asshole bitches.

I'm here in Canada for a reason. Remember that weird job I had last year, where I travelled all the effing time? The job I love and hate? The job I swore I would never do again?
I...I signed up for another year.

A lil' bit of masochism never hurt anybody. Except you, Rihanna.
But, lezzies, there's a silver lining to this depressing news!

I travel to a different North American city every day, from now 'till May. A different city every day means educating myself about the habits and styles of dykes across the country. A different city, daily, means a different chance, daily, to slut it up with locals.

I will become a learn'd woman.

I will sniff out every gayelle in every corner of the Northern Hemiphere.

Or at least sometimes I will. On the nights I'm not ordering room service and daring myself to hit "Select" on the Adult Movies menu.
In the spirit of kicking off the working year right... My flight got in early to Ottawa last night, and I decided to find out what Ottawanese lesbians do for a fun evening. Doesn't "Ottawanese" kinda sound like a Japanese beaver? I think so, too.

Finding a place to go was difficult. Nobody at the Hilton wanted to give the "aggressive-out-of-town-dyke-stranger-asking-creepy-questions" any names of local gay haunts.

Weird.
The very swishy bell-boy was being coy with me. Undaunted, I pounced on the front desk staff. They didn't know where I should go, either. (There's nothing like being giggled at by pimpled Canadian teens in polyester pleated pants.) Online searches for "lesbian bar Ottawa" turned up nothing.
Well, crap.

Finally, I decided to go to a place called "Swizzles", because it popped up on a website called Gay Ottawa and because it had such a faggy name. I could just imagine the amount of plastic monkeys the bartender would hang off a lemontini. Oooh, Swizzles!Swizzles was on Queen Avenue.
Not even kidding.

I pushed open the doors.
Alright, Ottawa, I said. You are the motherfuckin' capital of Canada. Let's see some lesbians.

Let me set the scene for you:


Sunday night, 10 pm-ish. There are a couple of gay boys hanging around, and a few nervous straight-looking guys in suits. Typical, typical.

Dim lights, Lady Gaga playing, looks like a beer place. Couple dudes clearly in the middle of mid-life crisis, six or several very average gay men, a tranny, and one lone blond twink wandering about the room in a tight white t-shirt, very much aware that he is the best-looking, tannest, and youngest boy at Swizzles.
No women.
Well, ok, there was one woman, but she was a Sporty Dyke, and I avoid sporty dykes like the plague. This is because sporty dykes like to thump, pound, and sock other people's arms in greeting. It's not okay. Anyone punching me "playfully" better be wearing latex gloves and have a safe word.

I circled. Waiting for something better to come along, I circled the bar like a buzzard.
Half an hour went by. All the leaning with a drink and "looking cool" was too much for me.

I caved.

I had to talk to a lesbian from Ottawa! Otherwise I would fail my mission. There was still the lone sporty dyke at the bar. What I needed was an interview.
Me:(hovering weirdly in front of barstool) Hi! Um, is anybody, um, sitting here?

Lesbian From Ottawa: (smirking at the empty bar) It's full up tonight. No, sit down.

Me: I'm Krista. I'm from Chicago. Well, Seattle. And Minneapolis, too.(blushing now) Are you from Ottawa?
Lesbian From Ottawa: Yep. Born and raised. Spent some time in Chicago, though. Came back here and never left. (extends hand) Name's Monica.
Me: Whoa. It is not. Your name is Monica?

Lesbian From Ottawa: Yep.

Me: That is not possible. You're a butch! You need a butch name, like Mon-E-G. Or Monni. Or Monee-Luv. Like a gangsta!

Lesbian From Ottawa: Ha. I don't have any nicknames.

Me: What about Moan-ica? That'd be fucking cool. Get it? MOAN-ica?

Lesbian From Ottawa: I get it.

Me: What's it like being a dyke in Ottawa? What do you guys do for fun around here?

Lesbian From Ottawa: It's pretty much the same as being a lesbian everywhere else, I guess.

Me: I don't believe you, Monni-Baggs. This is Canada. Gays can get married here.

Lesbian From Ottawa: That doesn't mean we're still not outsiders.

Me: Yeah. (Pause) So what is that on your sweatshirt, anyway? A Trojan? Dirty.
Lesbian From Ottawa: It's the symbol for the Ottawa Senators.

Me: I do not understand Canadian politics.

Lesbian From Ottawa: No, uh, it's a hockey league.

The evening passed amicably enough. Monica was about 30 years my senior, but she was awfully nice and willing to let me rub my hands all over her buzzed hair.
Simple pleasures.
Ottawa Monica was great. But that's not surprising - most lesbians are great. Thaaaaat's right.

OMG here comes the love ican'tcontrolit....D'yknow, I fucking love lesbians. I really love them. Alllllll of them. I'm like the effing Statue of Liberty - "Give me your dykes! Your cute ones! Your fatties! Give me your butch, your femme, your androgynous misfits!
Every time I see one - in an airport, on a plane, walking down the sidewalk - I feel like my heart is going to burst. My people!

I love lesbians so much I will go to a bar named "Swizzles" to find them.
In Ottawa.

In Canada.

The worst place in the world.

20 comments:

  1. I think the worst place in the world is Pucker Brush Nevada. I mean really? Pucker Brush - it sounds like a bad outdoor potty experience.

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  2. krista, i want a job like your job.

    can i have a job like your job?

    also, i love you.

    and miss you.

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  3. jesus, a city per day until MAY? wtf is your JOB? craziness! I'd get so travel-fatigued.

    still, though, that's an awesome mission, to meet dykes from everywhere. if you come to san francisco, you should totally interview ME!

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  4. My love, Ottawa is by no means the coldest!
    Come to Calgary, Alberta in about Janurary and you'll freeze your ass off in -45 weather before wind chill, and twice the snow Ottawa gets. (Or so says wikipedia.)

    Calgary grows nice girls though! Come see us!

    As for not finding dykes in Ottawa: Good luck finding ANYTHING in Ottawa. There's nothing there 'cept some government shit.

    OH. OH OH. ALSO. Um. Thanks for finally posting. I made an angry blog this morning and everything about wanting more posts from you, and how it'd been a month and I was going to start boycotting effingdykes. YOU HEARD MY ANGER! <3

    All the love,
    Your biggest fanboi,
    Sburg

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  5. It's like Christmas all over again when I see that you have posted, Krissy Rae. A big fat present with a gold bow among a whole bunch of coal.

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  6. Hi,
    I think your blog is hilarious and I linked it on mine. Just thought I'd let you know. Keep up the posts!

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  7. i think you are completely wonderful. i, too, love lesbians more than life itself. i don't think there is anything i wouldn't do for a fellow lezzie. or wouldn't do to be able to do a fellow lezzie.
    i should be jealous of how much my girlfriend thinks you are funnier than me (not possible-i think we have the same thoughts), but i'm not. i'm jealous i never got the chance to yell at a potential pedophile in the lingerie section of my neighborhood goodwill. your life is amazing.
    if you ever find yourself in sunny san diego (home of the infamous san diego dyke-known far and wide for their dual love of hair product and the mtv phrase 'bitccccchhhhheeeeeeeeeees!') please let us join your search for a thriving lesbian community, we're stumped.

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  8. You suck, I love Ottawa.

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  9. Aw, Ottawa's not so bad...
    You should've gone to the Lookout in Byward Market. There are plenty of dykes there.

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  10. You just had bad luck. Up here is land of the gays. Seriously, I was working a wildlife research job in backwoods nowhere, Manitoba, and found a random gas-station owned and operated by an emo gay boy who looked 16 and his two sporty-dyke employees.

    I feel like I'm at the epicentre of a queer-quake up here. Not a bad place to be!

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  11. You should have gone to Lookout on a Friday or Edge

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  12. The Lookout or Edge. Monica should have known!

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  13. So I'm curious about how you're using the word "tranny", and what it means to you. 'Cause for the last couple of days I've been reading back through your archives and friggin' loving everything you've posted. But then I got smacked in the face with a word that, to me at least, is a hateful slur - and is not even being used in a cute reclamatory way. I really want to keep loving your blog, but I'm scared now that you might hate and exclude people I love - and that's a dealbreaker for me. What do you mean when you say "tranny"?

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  14. Ottawa and Chicago are roughly the same temperatures.

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  15. Jesus, not Ottawa! Come to Vancouver. Fuck sakes, woman.

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  16. Next time go to Toronto!

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  17. Just so you know: we don't consider ourselves French and most of us are far from wanting a country.

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  18. fff. ottowa sucks. come up to vancouver- weed and lesbians galore!

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  19. you have to come to Vancouver, or or Calgary, Ottawa? even Canadians think it's a boring place haha (PS im Canadian)

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  20. I'm like the effing Statue of Liberty - "Give me your dykes! Your cute ones! Your fatties! Give me your butch, your femme, your androgynous misfits!"

    you are freaking amazing.

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