Saturday, August 8, 2009

Family Fun Night

(Beatbox!)

Who wants to play a brand-new game?
Putcha hands in the air, say "YEAH"

Said who wants to play a brand-new game?
I invented it for the queeahhh....s

(More beatbox!)
Girl #1: What a great rap.

Girl# 2: Yeah. Whoever wrote it should be collaborating with Missy Elliot on her new album.

Girl #1: Totally.

Okay, homosexuals. It's time to have a fun Monday night. This game is called "Concentration & Determination," and I invented it last night with my favorite lil' piece. It started out riotously funny, but then it got twisted...pretty fucking fast. Scary + funny + sex = a really good game.

Everybody can play this game - boys, girls, trannies, even breeders. It's kind of a cross between "Tell Me What You're Thinking Right This Second" and "What's Grosser Than Gross?"

Ready? I know you're excited. Here we go!

How to play Concentration & Determination:
1) Grab a partner!

2) Mmkay, put easy access panties on. (Specifically, put white cotton ones on, then take a picture with your phone and send it to your friend Krista at effingdykes@gmail.com. HahaHA. Just kidding. No I'm not.) Now both of you lay down next to each other on the bed.

3) Start wankin' it together, at the same time. That means masturbating. But only yourself. Do not touch your partner!


4) Continue this step until you're both pretty close.

5) And then...one person stops masturbating and says the absolute least sexual thing they can imagine to their partner. It should go a bit like this:

Person A (furiously masturbating): Mmmmm-hmmmm...yeaaah....

Person B: Plastic T-Rex dinosaurs on a Fisher-Price schoolbus!

Person A (still rubbing): Ok, hmmm, plastic dinosaurs, put 'em up my....mmmmmm.....

Person B: Um, trout and warm Pepsi!

Person A (stops momentarily): What? (resumes) Ok, waaaaarm Pepsi, so warmmmm....

Person B: Dried snot under a toddler's nose! Defrosting the windshield! National Geographic boobs! Spaghetti and hot penis cheese! Uh...Mildew-y sponge!

Person A: (unable to continue; turning to stare) Mildew-y sponge? That's so fucking gross. (tries to resume and can't) Shit.

Person B: Mildew-y sponge! MILDEW-Y SPOOOONNNGE!
OBJECTIVE: Try to make your partner lose their masturbation focus. If they can't come (even while continuously masturbating the entire time), you win.
TIP: Try to figure out what truly bothers your partner, and go with that. Food stuff is usually the grossest. SOME PEOPLE, however, have Extreme Concentration & Dedication Skillz. These people need something more distracting - more effort - from you than your average player.
For instance, my favorite lil' piece, CJ, has inhuman capabilities to finish what she's started.
I find that putting a sock on my hand and making it sing the Johnny Appleseed song in a fucked-up baby voice usually secures my place in the Championship Round.
There's nothing more rewarding than winning Concentration & Dedication with just your wits and the worst image you can come up with.
There's nothing more gleefully evil than ruining what could have been a great orgasm for your partner.
I wish every night was Monday night.

9 comments:

  1. KB, I'm shocked! "Breeders"? Really?

    gf at this link sums up my thoughts:
    http://essin-em.com/2009/10/i-hate-breeders/

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  2. what, you don't like being called a name because of your sexuality?

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  3. I just haven't appropriated it yet! But also, my gay uncle and his bff have a begotten child so... sexuality doesn't really have anything to do with it.

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  4. I play this on the phone with my girlfriend bi-weekly.

    I have a fun story for you too!
    I was on the phone, really close- Like you know the point where you're SO CLOSE. You can't really stop?
    She said "two girls one cup" just as I came- and I groaned over the line.
    Fucking embarassing.
    She told all our friends.

    (I got her back with "toddler swimming classes at the nude beach".)

    Love this. They should make an actual game- Hasboro can do it!

    -Sburg

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  5. THIS IS FUCKING GENIUS I LOVE YOU THE END

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  6. This made me laugh so fucking hard. MILDEWY SPONGE had me in stitches. I'm coming back here

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  7. good for a safe word too: words like "yeast infection" always make the fun stop

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  8. oh my gooodness!! shit is sooo funny!! Definitely need a comedy show ;)

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  9. I come back to this post repeatedly to laugh until I cry, and it's awesome.

    However, using the t-word (tranny) to describe people is actually a slur that still packs a punch to it. Might I suggest the phrase 'trans people' instead?

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