Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Dyke Style Hall of Fame

You know things are getting out of hand when your favorite lil' piece shakes you awake, throws her credit card at your head, and snarls, "GET. SOME. NEW. FUCKING. CLOTHES." as she slams out the door on her way to school.


This may be a dream scenario for lots of y'all, but...I don't wanna get new clothes! And I didn't know things were that bad. Sometimes habits just creep up on you. Like the frog who didn't realize he was being boiled alive because the water was heated soooooo slooooooowly. He just didn't notice.
Kids, the complaint is valid. I only wear two things. And they both look the same. They're both hooker-tight blue dresses that my friend Penny made for me. I wear these dresses because they are exactly perfect and exactly what I always wanted.
I alternate these dresses; one every other day. I wear them with knee-high leather boots.

Every day.But sometimes I change it up!
Sometimes I add a scarf.
Hey.I'm not botherin' anybody.
As a child, I watched Dead Poet's Society one too many times. I used to beg my mother to send me to boarding school out East. (Mom always said no, but this used to depress her. Where's your trump card when your kid wants to go to a same-sex militant boarding school with uniforms?)
Fuck, all I wanted was that pleated skirt.

It's great to know what you're going to wear every day!
So I would just like to know: What is so wrong with having a uniform??
  • Karl Lagerfield has a uniform. He wears all black, with shades and a tie, every day.
  • Kanye West has a uniform - it's called "neon shit."
  • Ellen DeGeneres has a uniform. It involves poorly-chosen suits with Chuck Taylors, even though she is fifty fucking years old. (And yes, I will rip on Ellen if I damn well please. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I automatically worship Ellen. Woman is teaching legions of American lesbians that it is okay to dress like a cheesy toddler.)
    So, I, too, have a uniform. I'll wear the same thing until it gets holes. Then I'll find something new and then wear that until it gets holes. It's like being a little kid. You've got one favorite shirt and that's it.
But now, my favorite lil' piece wants to see her bird in new feathers.
No worries, homos. I'm always bitching that people can't automatically tell I'm a lesbian, so now's my chance. I'm going to go out and buy The Definitive Lesbian Outfit, one article at a time.

Ha! It's like What Not To Wear, except ironic and with CJ's credit card. Good morning, homosexuals!
What we'll do here on Effing Dykes is build up our wardrobe slowly. Every once in awhile, we'll focus on one lesbianish article of clothing, and add it to the Dyke Style Hall of Fame. Sounds good, no?

Let's start with the head and go down.
We need to go to a skater store with CJ's Visa. Right now!

'Cause the first article we're going to feature in our Dyke Style Hall of Fame is this hat:
An obvious choice. It's called a beanie. Or, in my world, a "lesbian hat", as in "Nice lesbian hat, you little homo." It comes in lots of styles and colors, but the hat is basically the same every time. It's got a little bill that sticks out.

Little bill = gay.

How gay? So fucking gay.
This hat is such an essential part of the lesbian look that they take away your gold star if you don't have at least four of these. If you buy one and you're a straight girl, you will be gay immediately. The lust for cootchie begins with this hat! If you buy one and you're a boy, your dangle shrivels up and falls off.

If you already own this hat, why do you need to read Effing Dykes? You are clearly the Gayest Lesbian Ever. This hat is an excellent marker of lesbianism if you don't have an experienced eye. Look at all the different styles!

Just remember, all beanies lead to gayness.
CJ is going to be so pleased. At the same time we are switching up my outfits, we are educating the masses.


  1. Oh no! Do I have to wear one of those ugly things? After all I'm 60 and it would look a bit silly. Can't I just stick to regular knitted cap or a chic fur hat? Please. ;-)

  2. cute but i definitely don't think i can wear that in my tropical country! haha and anyway, don't think i can pull it off.

  3. thank the world for CJ. get the damn new clothes.

  4. small bill hat works every fucking time.
    chunky silver jewelry? almost mac quality makeup? large dangly purple stone earrings? hmm....is she or isn't she...
    small bill hat! fucking lesbian.

  5. Woah! I bought one of these waaay before I knew I was gay!! I still have it but have evolved into fedoras now.

  6. To hot to wear a hat where I live. Even in our so called winter it rarely gets below 50°F. So hats are out unless you are (brain dead) desperately trying to be cool.

  7. i love hats. cant get enough hats. wear them with and without greasy hair.

  8. These, and most hats, lesbians wear that immediately identify them as gay are FUGLY. There are exceptions to all these styles, but lesbians just don't seem to have the ability to pick out the gems. Exception - any lesbian can pull off the floppy hipster beanie (no bill), but with the risk of passing for a hipster.

    Side note: my straight as an uncooked noodle has two of these hats. Still fug.

  9. *uncooked noodle sister

  10. I totally just realized that I've been buying these hats since I was like 7... Haha PERFECT :D

  11. hehe i think i got mine all stolen or lost during me speeding down the streets and trying to be ontime to a date who then turns to me and askd..."you are gay right" DOH!! haha

  12. I hate those hats..if i'm gonna wear a hat it'll be an over sized beanie, that's it.

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