Monday, September 21, 2009

Jason Is Overly Interested.

Clap your hands, say yay!

It's time for another installment of...
Jason Is Overly Interested.

Q: So, Krista, if guys are supposed to chase women and only be after one thing, 'cause it's the way we're wired, and girls are supposed to act like they hate sex and be all chaste and shit, then how do two girls EVER get together? Like, if both of you are waiting for somebody to ask you out, how does that work?

A: Aw. What an excellent fucking question.
Jason, you're a strange guy to ponder the problems of getting lesbians together, instead of just fast-forwarding to the image of two lesbians together. That's why I haven't shanked you yet - you're a thinker.
Your question, Jason, is valid. How do dykes get together??

'Cause I get how the straights pair up: The Male Pursuer asks the girl out, or the brash 'n' ballsy girl asks the chickenshit guy out. And I understand how the gay boys do it: both men are only after one thing, and so the braver of the two makes the first move. The gay boys understand each other. That's why there are still bathhouses. But women...

As the great poet Lil' Wayne says - "Damn I hate a shy bitch."
There are lots of things to consider. As a gay girl, you may see literally scads of cute girls every single day. Girls you would be honored to fuck.
But it's, um, difficult to get to that point. Lesbians spend a lot of time figuring out their next move. Even when two girls know they like each other, getting to that first date is almost painful.

Society tells women that they're not really supposed to like sex. All sorts of bad fucking juju for the girls who like to do it. But, um, we all like to do it. Soooo, when neither one of you is used to having to ask for sex or dates... who asks who out?
You, as a gayelle, have a tricky situation on your hands. It's hard to ask girls out! They might say, "Ew!" They might laugh! They might crush your barely-intact sense of worth! Aaagghhyoudon'twannaaskgirlsoutOMGit'swaytooscary!!!!
Don't be a pussy. There are three approaches you can take if you want to date girls:

1) The Passive Approach. You can be soooo attractive that everybody asks you out. Then you can just take your pick from the virtual sea of suitors. This is what several of my friends do, and it's worked spectacularly well for them. When you look like a model and/or have a weird sexual energy pulsing around your body like an aura, you never have to ask anybody out. Ever.
2) The Passive-Aggressive Approach. You can go around introducing yourself as if being gay was a religion, like the Jehovah's Witnesses. You "witness" your gayness at all times, in all places. Like this - ahem - "Hi, my name is Krista, and I'm a lesbian!" As if being a lesbian is the only thing of interest about you. This works for the young and self-involved. If you're really into passive-aggressiveness, you can also wear attach rainbow patches to every single fucking thing you own, and wait three years until a girl catches your eye on the bus. Caution: this approach annoys the shit out of everyone.
3) The Aggressive Approach. You can bite the bullet and walk up to a girl. You can be coy and say something clever, or you can do what my friend Danni does and say "I think you're really cute. Would you like to go out sometime?" all polite and shit. (Or you can do what I -I mean, total sluts- do and go, "Hey. Wanna fuck?" when you're in line for the bathroom at Pride.) Polite aggressiveness + confidence = bananas amounts of sex.
C'mon, ladies, it's not that hard. Yes, you could ask a woman out and get laughed at. Yes, you could be rejected in a painful way. You could ask a girl out and...find out she isn't gay! The horror!
But straight men deal with the same possibilty of brutal rejection every day. They just deal with it by asking out as many women as possible. It's all a game of odds. Eventually, a girl will say yes. You hear me, dykes? EVENTUALLY, A GIRL WILL SAY YES. Even if you're ugly. Even if you drive a Segway. Even if you have to use a crane to turn you over in bed and prevent sores. Keep asking. A girl will say yes. Learn to deal with rejection. Goddammit, didn't anybody read The Game?Besides me and Jason?

6 comments:

  1. :D
    Personally, I just hang around a lot of dykes, pick the cutest (boi), make eye contact, and then let myself blush bright red, look down, and then look up through my eyelashes. Sometimes if I'm feeling frisky I bite my lip, or give the backwards head nod.

    I do this from across the room. If they make any sort of motion, I'll go over and say hi, or let them come to me.

    I'm not very femme, but being shy/awkward does get a lot of attention from butches/bois if that's the group you're going for.
    (Boi on boi anyone?)

    :D I like these Jason segments.

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  2. brilliant!

    I'm a huge flirt, so I generally do a whole lot of flirting, and then let HER make the first move. it's fun watching her be all tortured and anxious :) but c'mon, with the amount of flirting I do, it's HELLA CLEAR what my answer will be.

    [well, to be entirely honest, this comment is a bit out-of-date, since I've been in a monogamous relationship for close to a year... but give me props, we still fuck like rabbits! it's my feminine guile. ;)]

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  3. I read The Game, too! Give me some props, pussy cat.

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  4. "even if you drive a Segway"

    bwahahahaha

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  5. I live in Brasil and i read that book! I rock's XD Loved your blog, I must add

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  6. Ahhh! Thanks soooo much for the advise! There is this SUPER hot girl at my school that I just can't seem to ask out, but I think she likes me...... Lets hope! Anyways, I think that I will just go for it and not be a pansy ass dyke!

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