Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Riiiiiiiiiiiing!
Ok, ok, people, settle down and take your seats. Ryan! Take your seat. Annie, I see that phone out one more time, it's mine, understand?

It's time to get back to Gay Basics.

Everybody here knows what a fag hag is, don't they?

Raise your hand if you don't.

Oh, c'mon, I bet somebody doesn't know.

If you're embarrassed we can all just close our eyes.

Ok, eyes closed? Ok, who here has never heard of a fag hag? Raise your hand. Alright, and who here is still unclear about what a fag hag is?
Ok, very good. You can open your eyes.

Class, what I found out is that over half of you aren't feeling rock-solid with your definition of "fag hag."

So, what exactly is a fag hag?

Who can tell me?

Anyone?

Anyone besides Krista?

Who can tell me? A fag hag...what is that.

Anybody?
Ooh pick me. Pick me!
Aaggh pickmepickmepickme!

Thank you, sir. A fag hag is a straight girl who prefers to hang around gay men in a mutually beneficial relationship, although the relationship's power lies exclusively with the gay (or gays) in question.
Not called a hag for nothing, the fag hag is usually young (mid-twenties or less), unattractive, and/or fat. The fag hag is often awkward or unpopular with her peer group, fancies herself as being different from other girls, and is invariably single. Hanging around gay men allows the fag hag to have a circle of men in her life, thus providing her with that wonderful man-cologne smell and bristly-cheek-kissing sensation without having to fear rejection from boys that really matter.

Disclaimer: Sometimes really pretty girls become fag hags. They do this when all the other girls at school are like, so jealous of how pretty they are and they wanna hang out with cute guys who aren't gonna always be hitting on them all the time and stuff.
Every now and again, a hag falls in love with her fag. This never, um, works out.
Faghagism is symbiotic.

The girl in the fag hag relationship gets:

1) A friend who is always up for going dancing2) A free pass into the OMG-I'm-so-alternative-and-open-minded club3) A tireless shopping companion
4) A view into a world she would never see otherwise
5) To feel special. And her confidence bolstered by her expanding gay social circle.

The boy in the fag hag relationship gets:

1) Someone who will listen to him talk about himself incessantly
2) Someone who will...uh...listen to him talk about himself incessantly
3) A grateful semi-servant who will do his bidding
4) To throw parties and "invite all his hags"
5) A friend who is more responsible and will take his drunk ass home.
The fag hag's motives are usually influenced by a desire to be like a character in some bullshit romantic comedy or sitcom. Typical media offenders cited by fag hags are: Will and Grace, Sex and the City, My Best Friend's Wedding, and Queer As Folk.In short: Everybody wants a pet queer. How trendy!

So, straight girls who only hang out with gay boys are called fag hags.
And straight boys who usually hang with gay boys are called fag stags.
And straight people who have mostly gay friends are known as fruit flies. But what about boys (gay or straight) who only hang out with lesbians????
'Cause this happens. Way more than you'd think. You always see them at the girlie bars, looking happy and slightly out of place.

Who wouldn't want the lezzies for friends? Lesbians are cool, and some boys are drawn to tough, funny, angry girls.
We needed a name for these boys. My friend Tawnya came up with two new definitions for me:

Lesbros are the straight boys who love hanging out with lesbians. They're like brothers. You can punch them in the shoulder and invite them to the bonfire. You can ogle girls together. It's fun.
Lesbeaux are the gay men who desert their boys to chill with the dykes. They add a touch of glitter to any occasion. They want to go to drag shows and musicals and eat cheesecake and set you up with other lesbians they know. It's perfect! They're only sexually attracted to men. You're only attracted to women. It's a true platonic relationship.
There, sir. That's fag hags defined and a whole new slew of slurs for you.

I think this takes care of my participation grade for the rest of the quarter.

16 comments:

  1. I have a vast collection of lesbros, myself.
    Aaah, a boi and her bros.
    :) This blog makes me feel all nostalgic.

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  2. I've never heard the lesbro before. love it! i plugged you on my twitter @bestlesbianweek.

    Cheers!

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  3. Dear Effing Dykes.
    I'm going to be away (ataschoolcampwhereIhavenointernetconnection)for three days. if I come back and I have no new posts to read I will be VERY unhappy.

    Ps: What are straight girls who hang around mostly lesbians? My (straight) bff and I have come up with Leshoes, but that could easily be adapted.

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  4. ^ should be spelt LesHoes or LezHoes or Les/z-Ho/es.
    not to be mis pronounced as Le-Shoes. Lol

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  5. That's true, Anon.
    People are dumb when it comes to reading.
    LezHoes looks awesome.
    Can we make this official? Throw it on urban dictionary?

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  6. I THOUGHT I INVENTED LESBROS!!!!!!! I've been calling my straight dude friends my lesbros since like 2006. Love it that your friend invented it too. Totally validates my sense of cleverness.

    I really like LezHoes too. LOL!

    love your writing, btw.

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  7. I totally had to write an article for a school gay publication on lesbros...it was astounding...no one had ever heard of them (admittedly, including myself). I was so excited to see this post...lesbros make me laugh.

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  8. What about boys who hang out with lesbians just waiting for that moment when she gets tired of all the lesbian drama and goes str8 for about 2 weeks (or in my case 2 years buticheatedwithwomenthewholetimesoidunno)?

    Boi Scouts! My ex-boyfriend is a total boi scout and my Partner's short lived ex-boyfriend is too. From this relatively (small) pool I have deduced that boi scouts typically hate themselves and don't believe they deserve love but also identify sexually with a traditionally female role. They are a strange brew those boi scouts.

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  9. ...and girls who hang out with bears are called Goldilocks!

    WHAT are boi scouts?

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  10. Wow, I didn't know these concepts! I think I know a lot of fag hags, actually, I work with one and she is incredibly hot, but always hanging around with fags.

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  11. Right, but what do you call a straight boy who hangs out with Lesbians, but is actually more of a lesbian in terms of emotionality, except for that whole having a dick thing?

    Lesbi-men?

    hmmm.....

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  12. Men that exclusively have lesbian friends= Dyke Mike :)

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  13. hehe this is fuunny! i have a lot more Bros than anything else. They are like big brothers always there to back yah up...until u sleep with their girlfriends haha... they will forgive you eventually and then ask... "well what did you do?" haha

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  14. ^Amy - dyke-with-a-dick!

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  15. Dutch boy was always the term used in my community for straight boys who hung with dykes.

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