Wednesday, August 5, 2009

2 Bdrm 1 Bath Pets OK

So, last weekend, I made the move from Minneapolis (where you can't swing a cat without hitting a lesbian) to Chicago, where cab drivers have conversations with you like this:

Cabbie: I don't know where that is. I never heard of Iowa Street.
Me: It's in the Ukrainian Village. Think West Division Street. And West Chicago Avenue.
Cabbie: (Pause) Yep. I've got nothing.
Me: Those are major streets. How about Damen? How about Augusta?
Cabbie: Like Greektown? I know where Greektown is.
Me: No, not Greektown. Ukrainian Village. By Logan Square. West from downtown. How are you a cab driver?
Cabbie: Greektown you could basically walk to from here. I mean, it would be kind of a long walk.
Me: What. the. fuck. Not Greektown. Ukrainian Village. Ukrainian Village!
Cabbie: (turning around) Hey....are you two lesbians? That's hot. Heh.
Me: Pull over. This corner's fine.
Homos, basically I'm worried. I've not spent a great deal of time in Chicago, but now it's my home. And people are staring at me and my favorite lil' piece like they've never seen lesbians before in their lives.
Also, I have a real problem now: I can't be sure who's gay.

Seriously! My gaydar is all turned around! I see cute girls every fucking minute, but they all look like lesbians to me. I need to work on Chicago dykes - are they so integrated that I can't even pick them out of a crowd here??
Every girl seems to be wearing flat shoes. Every girl has a subversive haircut. Everybody rides a bike, everybody has smart-girl glasses, everybody works at a small, indie business, and the tiny coffee shops are full of chicks with ripped tights, ordering cold press with soy milk. Apparently, I have to hit on all women, everywhere, just to even have a fighting chance of making new "friends." Fortunately, I'm up for the challenge.

All the girlies may be hiding, but I have Math on my side. My Scientific Calculations tell me that:

1. The most conservative estimate of the global gay population is 10%.(I would put it at 20% gay at least, and around 55% if you count all the people who would do you in a bathroom stall if they had a few Bacardi-and-Cokes and thought no one would ever know.) But we'll stick with 10%, for simplicity's sake, and also so we don't get our hopes up unduly.

3. Therefore, there are at least 1 million Chicago homosexuals.

4. If half are girls and half are boys, that leaves 500,000 gay women in Chicago.
So where are the 500,000 lesbians?

5. And they all hafta get some at some point.
500,000 women is enough to start our own city. Lesbicago. Chi-Dyke. Sapphicago. It would be fun.
Until we all died out. Then it would be a creepy ghost town.
Seriously, though, where do all these girls hang out? Why don't I see more of them?
2. There are 10 million people living in the Chicago area.
Maybe, just maybe, I'm surrounded by them and I don't even know it.
I must adjust the lenses on my gaydar glasses.

Moving is so exciting, isn't it?


  1. wicker/logan girls totally copped lesbians' style. time to adapt to something new. welcome to chicago - let us know if you find the honeypot.

  2. There are so many cute girls in chicago, rulezzzzz. they are everywhere. hit on the straight girls, they are more fun. try berlin on a thursday? i guess? id ont know whats cool anymore?

  3. berlin is skeezy as hell tho. might lead to a good post. just sayin.

  4. MadamTechy@yahoo.comOctober 25, 2009 at 10:30 PM

    (grrlstown) clark st / between foster ave (5200 N) & bryn mawr (5600 N)
    also the bar, 'stargaze' is on clark st

    buenas suerte,

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