Sunday, July 12, 2009

What Exactly Were the Secrets?

They were out of 30 Rock at the video store.

Out of 30 Rock.

There was no more 30 Rock. Nobody else could rent it.

Would I like to rent The Office, instead, maybe?
I WANT TINA FEY AND I WANT HER NOW!!! FUUCKKKKKKKmywholenightwasleadinguptothisfuuuuck!!

I settled for what looked like a promising lesbian movie.
It was called The Secrets and it was about a young, sheltered Orthodox Jewish girl who asks her father if she can postpone her upcoming wedding (to a man she, she...does not love) so she can go to a women's seminary (hehehehe) in Israel. There she meets another young (hot) girl who is also chafing under the strict rules of her religion. This girl is a badass, though- she smokes cigarettes and starts arguments and has wild, unruly hair. They become fast friends and "discover" things about themselves.
Sounds good, right? All-girl boarding school, religious-boundary-breaking, uniforms, shared rooms, best friends and hidden passions....

Three-and-a-half hours later, my favorite little piece had fallen asleep with her mouth open and I was alone in the dark, determined to finish out this goddamned god-awful fucking lesbian movie where there had only been one sort-of-erotic scene the whole time.
So picture this, if you will:

2:34 a.m. - CJ is sleeping angelically, naked and adorable. I am sitting in my underpants on a futon with no lights on, arms crossed and lips pressed together in a white line, furiously composing a letter in my head to the director of The Secrets.
The honey-mustard gluten-free pretzels crunch angrily.
The letter went like this:

Dear Director of The Secrets,
This was supposed to be a lesbian movie. It was patently not a lesbian movie.

I'm having a hard time understanding how you did this. You had every advantage in the world to work with. You had a script that called for two young girls on the brink of adulthood to fall in love. You had a boarding school. You had two fucking gorgeous actresses willing to make out onscreen. (And, incidentally, where did you get these actresses? Both girls had to be fluent in Hebrew and French, be hot, be under 20, and be willing to do full-frontal in a blasphemous/sacreligious Jewish-homo movie. That must have been a very specific casting call.)

Time and time again, you let opportunities slip through your fingers. The girls could have made out when one woke up with nightmares and the other rubbed lotion onto her back. Did they make out then? They did not.

They could have had good times when they were naked in the water and first looked at each other's lithe young bodies. Did they have good times? NO. They did not. They dried off, put their clothes back on, and went back inside.

They kissed once. Once in a 3.5-hour-long-film. They came tantalizingly close thousands of times, but they actually only kissed one time. The rest was mind-fucks. However close this may have been to my first girl-on-girl experience, I hate you, as the director, for not making it better. Why didn't you take your plot and run with it? Honestly:

Everyone knows the equation for winning at the Cannes Film Festival:

Add a girl-on-girl sex scene and speak a language other than English.

You had a movie with French! It was about hot gay girls! YOU COULD HAVE SWEPT CANNES and you didn't even try. You threw your opportunity away. That's why your stupid movie didn't hit theaters. That's why you went straight to DVD. I hold you personally responsible.

I could have directed a better ending underwater with my eyes closed. And there would have boobs. Lots more boobs. You selfish dumbass.


CJ eventually opened one eye and asked why I was still awake.

Because the movie was supposed to be a lesbian movie and we were tricked! Tricked!!! Teased and tormented by hundreds of near-miss chances for gratuitous girlsex! Why can't we ever rent a dyke movie that has a predicable outcome??? All I want is to watch a good sex scene! I don't need a dramatic plot! Why don't they ever, ever make good lesbian movies??

She rolled over and slung an arm over her eyes.

"Maybe we should just rent a porn, baby," she mumbled. "Those are pretty predictable."
She was asleep again in seconds.

Um, right.
That's what I'll do, then.
Next time they run out of 30 Rock.


  1. looooooved that!

  2. a thought. i've been tricked this way hundreds of times, what you need to do is find the incredibly erotic book this movie was based on :)

  3. I'm not sure if you've heard about the Girl with the dragon tattoo, the second film in the series has a brief lesbian scene, but the hotness of it makes up for the shortness.

  4. I would have been equally pissed if I was denied Tina Fey.

    I fucking LOVE Tina Fey....

  5. please tell me you actually sent that letter.

  6. This is pretty hilarious in light of the hot-french-lesbians film that won this year's palme d'or...