Friday, July 3, 2009

Dental Dammit

Guess what time it is!

Um, Kelly Has A Question.Q: "Kris, okay actually I have two questions for you. First, what do you do with dental dams? 'Cause I got a bunch at Pride, but I opened them, and they're just, like, floppy squares of latex. And second, how do lesbians have 'safe sex'? What does that even mean?"

A: Wow, Kell, those are both really good questions. For reals. I'm not even making fun of you here. Those aren't totally backwater-ignunt.

So first: What do you do with dental dams?
Ha. What don't you do with dental dams?

Dental dams are great for:

1)Putting on your face and sucking in air and looking like a scary monster
2)Cleaning mirrors

3)Rubbing on your legs to give shins a quick shine

4)Impromptu hair ties


6)Chewing - nothing better than a wad of rubbery, fruit-flavored gum (don't swallow, kids)

7)Naked flinging wars. You get naked, set a timer, and see how many you can unwrap and fling on your partner in the time allotted. Only dental dams that stick count.

8)Sealing holes in your bike tire tube - get a lighter and melt to cover hole

9)Rain boots for your dog

10)Hilarious Kleenex when somebody is crying

11)Trashy 80s bikinis
What aren't dental dams good for? How with lesbians?
Let me be honest here, homos - I never fucking use 'em. I know they're for my own good, but I'm a dyke. I know...being down there. And stuff.
You might as well put Saran-Wrap on an ice cream cone.
And it's not just me, Kelly. No dyke I've slept with has ever even offered to use a dental dam.

Or, for that matter - any kind of protection.

Hmms. Perhaps everyone I've slept with is a selfish whore.

Which leads us to your second question, Kells. How do lesbians have safe sex?

Ummm, they use gloves when they're gonna be finger-banging. They cut open a condom and spread that on a girl's crotch. They lick through plastic wrap. They make sure they don't have any open sores or hangnails on their fingers before fucking. They, ummm....they.....
they don't really do any of those things. Whoopsie.You've stumbled upon one of the major dirty secrets of the lesbian world. Some girls are having safe sex, with dental dams and gloves, but the vast fuckin' majority...aren't.

There are reasons for this. Here:

a) Girls aren't dirty like boys. Google it. It's a fact.

b) Dykes don't really suffer any consequences, besides STDs, when they have sex. We can't get pregnant, no matter how diligently we try. Sex for lesbians is not the inherently dangerous act it is for straight girls, so we tend to treat it more like what it used to be in 1969 - fun.

c) Gloves look super creepy when your partner is nekkid. Especially if they're blue or, God forbid, black.
d) We are fucking stupid.

Just because most girls aren't having safe sex doesn't mean that we shouldn't be. "Nobody does that" is a pretty shitty excuse. I myself have made a commitment to have safe sex this year with any hos I happen to pick up. A COMMITMENT, goddammit.

It's pretty sad when your New Year's resolutions get that detailed.

Mmkay, Kelly?


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      Also, the only safe sex rules of thumb I've heard of are keep your nails short and know who you're about to sleep with, say, a member of your lesbian clique.