Monday, June 22, 2009

OMG, You're Not On It Yet?

You know how, when someone has a baby, everyone goes, "Oh, was it a boy or a girl?" right away?

Paul Reiser from
Mad About You says that's because everybody has an instinctive need to keep a running tally on the world population. Like, how many boys and how many girls do we have now?Well, I have an instinctive need to keep a running tally of homosexuals. I. Must. Label. Everyone. When introduced to someone cute, I am mentally going through my Checklist of Gay Behaviors clipboard.
I then decide on the spot if the girl is queer or not, and subsequently refuse to alter my judgement about her for the rest of my life, even if told otherwise or absolutely proven wrong. (I've decided to go ahead and label this trait of mine "charming.")

Logic, you whores! I have near-perfect gaydar. If I decide a girl is a mo, then she's a mo, and there's nothing (including getting married, becoming a born-again Christian, having fuckloads of babies, or being a politician) that can be done to change my mind. Someone has to be the truth-teller! This is why Pink doesn't fool me for one second, btw.
First impressions matter.

But sometimes, I'm not 100% sure. I need more information than what I'm getting up front from a new girl.

I need Facebook.

Facebook will supply me with all the data about a woman that I could ever want. Facebook will
Add Imagegive me the final word. Sometimes a girl isn't out publicly, but she leaves behind elephant-turd-sized clues on her page.
Q: But how do you know if a girl is a lesbian by looking at her Facebook?

A: I'm so glad you asked! It's easy.
There are three simple things to remember when stalking a woman on Facebook to find out if she's gay:

1) Look at her pictures. ALL her pictures. Don't skip a single album - even if they're titled "Chrissy's Wedding in Cancun!!" Pictures can say waaaaay more than a silly ol' promise ring ever could.

That being said...Do her friends look like big dykes? Does she hang out with any females who wear visors or men's jeans? What is she drinking in all her party pictures?
(Hint: long-necked-beer = dyke. Appletini = straight girl.)
Has she ever had really short hair? Is there a recurring "best friend" who she always seems to be "jokingly" making out with? Is she sitting in an awful lot of laps?
2) Read her wall.The whole wall. Read her status updates. Look for the comments left by her friends. Dykes tend to leave short messages on wall posts, like "LOL last night was fun. When do I see u again? Tequila!" and "What doin' la8r? Im @ dogpark 6 p.m." These are secret encrypted lesbian booty calls. Pretend you're a spy during the Cold War and crack the code!

3) Overanalyze her "Info" page. Sometimes the most visible hints are...invisible. She might list herself as "In a Relationship", but does she list the person? No? A good sign. Did she skip the option to list which gender she's interested in? 'Cause look at any straight girl's page - a straight girl doesn't even think twice about writing that she's "Interested In: Men".

A hidden dyke might think she's being crafty by leaving the option off her page, but true psychotic stalkers can see right through that.
Wanna be Facebook friends?


  1. okay, so speaking of facebook, you put your favorite lil' pieces last name on one of these blogs, somewhere...i'm sorry, i tried to control myself...but the bunny is pretty

  2. This is almost enough to make me rejoin fb. Almost.

  3. I love how shamelessly you expose all of your methods. If I ever mention anything that I've seen on a friend's facebook, I have to instantly append it with "It came up on my feed" to avoid accusations of stalkery.

  4. yes, i do wanna be stalked by you on facebook. i just found your blog and i can't stop reading. it's in me like a sickness.

  5. Do Straight people know that a blank "interested in" means homogay?

    ALSO, can we have a "Checklist of Gay Behaviors "

  6. I had my "interested in" section blank for the longest time. I just recently changed it too women because I stopped caring about what other people thought and I wanted to be like my favorite camp counselors who are completely out and open on their page.

  7. aha..the facebooking sounds just like me!

  8. F'n LOL'D! now help me out here, does someone liking a page related to an all womens pillow fight club as well as burlesgue page = gay??


    - suspisiously deliciously

  9. "but true psychotic stalkers can see right through that." Seriously laughed at that. OMG. My FB is so dykey, apparently, (Yay!). You forgot to mention "L Word" listed as a liked show or page. I've recently discovered your blog and I'm making my way though it. This blog makes me want to be card-carrying. <3