Are you having the worst moment of your life looking at this picture I found?
I'm gonna tack it up on your ceiling, over your bed.
Today we're talking about pubes. Puuuuuubes. Bush. Carpet 'n' drapes.
I'd like to open with a story that was told to me on three separate occasions by the same person - my friend A.J. She was so traumatized that - now and forever more -when she has had even a hint of tequila, she pulls you close to her, stares hypnotically into your eyes, and whispers, "Do you wanna hear something really horrifying?"Even though I know where the conversation is heading at that point, I never hesitate. My answer is always an unequivocal "Yes."
Because the story is that good. Here it is, in A.J.'s own words:
"So I was on a date with this cute little hippie chick. She was tiny and didn't even smell bad, and I swear to God she was actually cute, otherwise you know my rule about dating hippies. Anyway, we had a good night, we were back at her place and kind of messing around. I liked her, and we weren't playing anymore - she pulled off her shirt, and I pushed her on the bed and was unbuttoning her jeans. She kicked them off. I yank her underwear down, and - POOOF!!!! this HUGE ball of hair EXPLODES out of her panties, like a fucking airbag in a car! It literally went KA-BOOM all over my face! I swear to God my head snapped back, I should sue for fucking whiplash."
A.J. will tell you this story with slightly misty eyes, as if she's still back in that chamber of horrors....and always will be.
I want to help her but I don't know how.
My point is - pubic hair can be a real issue. If you are a carpet-muncher, it naturally makes sense that you want quality carpet.
Now, there are several looks you can sport, so let's discuss. There will be no illustrations, because you would not believe what an innocent Google search for "pubic hair fashion" pulls up.
1) The Bearcub. Often spotted on nude beaches in France and in the women's locker room of the YWCA, the Bearcub is the totally natural, black, spread-all-across-your-thighs look that women over 45 favor almost exclusively. This is terrifying, and I'm not sure what to do about it, except throw a razor at them and run screaming. The Bearcub is also seen on pregnant women (they can't reach down there to do maintenance and don't want to ask their husbands), all Germans, and featured heavily in vintage Playboy magazines from 1967-1986. I only read them for the articles.
2) The Trim-V. This is exactly what it sounds like - a thing that straight girls do that involves tiny scissors. Women who sport this look - a sort of short pubic haircut that still maintains the natural hairline - are good girls. They read Cosmo. They know they're supposed to "trim the hedges." They might even -*gasp*- shave their thighs a bit, so nothing is hanging out of their bikini. But these girls don't go any further. No experimenting for them. They've done the same thing down there since they heard that people trim pubic hair. And they'll keep it up until they die. (Possibly of boredom.)
3) The Shape. The Shape happens when a girl discovers that she can use her razor to have a little fun with her pubes. Maybe a friend tells her that she should try "The Landing Strip," a look characterized by a stripe down the middle and nothing else. Maybe her waxer (Shape girls get waxed for special occasions) gives her a heart down there, or waxes her lover's initials into the hair for Valentine's day. At home, though, this type of girl usually uses her razor, and specializes in one particular shape. My friend April has perfected the art of "The Star," and will sometimes use Manic Panic hair dye on it if she's single and has too much time on her hands.
4) Hardwood Floors. Hardwood Floors means absolutely. nothing. there. It means you either get Brazilians on a regular basis or are fucking militant with your razor. A look favored by sex addicts and strippers, Hardwood Floors = high-maintenance pornstar. Men seem to love this look, but I dunno - it kinda creeps me out.
Because who are the people who don't have pubic hair? Um, little kids.
5) The VaMullet. You know - business in the front, party down the crack. This is a look that a lot of dykes prefer. It's a cross between a Trim-V and Hardwood Floors. The VaMullet girl keeps some hair, tightly cropped, in the front, and shaves or waxes only the lips of her vadge. This is because it feels good to have it bare there, but you don't look like a little girl when you take your skivvies off. The VaMullet is my favorite look, as I don't like feeling like a pedophile, but also dislike trying to find my way through a vast meadow of pubic hair.
Why do we talk about this on Effing Dykes?
Because I want the Bearcub to stop its reign of terror. Because I wanted to tell you A.J.'s amazing story. And because I shaved this morning with a dull razor, have an alarming burn, and can think of nothing else.