Friday, May 8, 2009

The Starter Lez

Last week, while in Canada with my co-worker, Drew, I announced that I was going to slit my wrists if I had to spend one more night in Winnipeg. She said:

"Yeah. The only thing Canada is famous for is being America's hat."

and then:

"Krista, if I was gonna go for the ladies, who would be a good 'Starter Lez?' "

Clearly, Drew's mind was not on the fact that I was going to commit suicide. My phone had been goddammit roaming for a week! No one cares.

Well! Good thing I always want to help a friend by recruiting her over to the dyke side.
A Starter Lez, huh?

A Starter Lez is the first woman you ever sleep with. What Drew wanted was to find the perfect 1st-time-lesbian-experience. This is not surprising - homo is the new black. Hello, Katy Perry.

All straight American females under the age of 35 who don't live under a rock and don't suck and didn't vote for McCain and watch '30 Rock' because they kinda like Tina Fey (she gives them the tinglies) want to have at least one sexy-times experience with a girl. That way you can casually toss off at parties that you're bi. And then boys will think, "I must get with her. It could happen again." And you will be popular and cool. So, everybody wants to go girl-on-girl! Yippeee! So what's the problem?

The problem, straight girls, is that you all want the same 1st-time experience, and you want it to happen naturally, without having to prowl in bars or hit up the Internet. Your 1st-time experience also has to happen with a female who is:

1) Gay or seriously bi

2) Feminine

3) Pretty

4) Not fat

5) Young

6) Very experienced (so you don't have to do anything)

7) Willing to take on a straight girl who will, at best, lie there passively and go, "ooh, wow, I've never actually seen one before, you know, up close" or, at worst, freak out, burst into tears, and puke all over the bed. (She just needed a few vodka cranberries to relax.)

This amazing lesbian who is gonna make sure you have a wonderful, safe, and hot first time with the pussy also has to be:

someone you don't know, clean, bold enough to make the first move, not a drug-user, not creepy, OK with the fact that you're using her, and willing to give you a step-by-step tutorial. And give you an orgasm.
Right?

Well, tough shit, hussies. That leaves about one lesbian left in the entire world, and she is known among all the rest of the dyke community as a "cherry-popper." The cherry popper specializes in introducing women to the joys of lesbian sex. And she is cheesy and fucking gross. Do you want to sleep with the Cherry Popper?
No?

Well, then, listen to me.

Drew, the best - the absolute best - advice I can offer someone who wants a great first-time lesbian sex experience is this:

1)Go to a dyke bar. NOT a gay bar - the only girls there will be fag hags. A genuine dyke bar. Look for the cutest, most BOYISHLY cute girl there, walk up to her, and offer to buy her drink. Then, if she accepts, you can have a conversation where you shyly tell her that you're only in town for one night, but have been having all these pervy thoughts about women lately. You'd really like to give it a try. Really. (Cue deep eye contact.) Check to see if she has a girlfriend. Buy her another drink. And then say, "I think you're cute..." and bite your lip. It's just like hitting on boys!

2)If she's into you, she'll be flattered, and lean in to give you a little kiss. Then you can have sex. If she's not into you, she may call you 'darlin' and mumble something about her friends. Either way, don't be worried. Find the next-most-cute-dykey-looking-girl in the bar.

3)Repeat.

Easy peasey.

Now why, Drew, do I recommend finding a BOYISHLY cute girl instead of your feminine fantasy?

Because a boyish-dyke is waaaaaaay more likely to actually be gay. And a gay girl will know her way around your body. (By far the most important factor in your evening.) And she'll be interested in getting another notch on her bedpost. And be unable to say no to a pretty girl who is heavily hitting on her in a bar where all her friends are watching.
Forget any girls in the bar who look like you. These girls are also looking for their 1st-time lesbian experience.
Selfish bitches.

11 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. KRB. I fuckin' love you. Have I ever told you that? You are a motherlovin' genius.

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  3. Not all of those other girls are looking for their first time experience. Some of us are just femmes.

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  4. My partner is a femme, and I have several femme lesbian friends. If you're being tongue in cheek by basically saying all the femme-looking women are straight, it's not coming across at all. If you're actually SERIOUS about #3, well, then your ignorance is showing.

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  5. Ha!!! I am, apparently, so fem that even with my hair cut super short, wearing funky glasses, and dressed in cargo pants, people think I'm straight. Sigh. I've given up trying to look the part and went back to my skirts.

    Anyways, I was a straight woman's first and indeed, it sucked for me. Like, totally. She was breathy with admiration for my body, but wouldn't touch it. Anywhere. She actually said, "I guess I am straight since if you had a cock and balls, I'd be all over this."

    Lastly, I've hit on fem women at dyke bars only to find several (not all) of them to be straight. It's just hard being a dyke trying to find other dykes! Ya take your chances wherever you go...

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  6. I have actually been likened to Tina Fey, by a drunk Canadian.
    It was a proud moment for me... until I remembered she looks like Sarah Palin.

    Still flattered, tho.
    [/self-centerdness]

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  7. I am the most luckiest kid in the world today(this was good enough for bad grammer) a girl i had a crush on in high school was in the state that i moved away to, so i teller if she gets stranded anywhere she could crash at my place, were i must confess i had designs of not hitting on her at all cause i need friends more than i need a punch in the face...she had different plans :D

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  8. ah Tender Forever! I love her! She's so sweet and french! (Pic under 'Boyish Dyke')

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  9. Not every looking-for-a-first time girl will lie there passively, freak out, cry. I now KNOW who I am, what I want, what I'm emerging into, and I can't wait. So give me a chance, ladies.

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  10. Funny thing is, if you were staying at the only possible decent locations in Winnipeg, you were only minutes away from the best possible places to pick up academic hipster lezzies en masse.

    Oh and (officially) the nicest urban forest in North America. Can't see you liking trees, though. And, of course, if you were here in winter, then I am so, so sorry.

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  11. I loathe this post, simply because of other stuff I've read on other sites.

    HOW can you get your experience without trying the other side? Yes yes you should just 'know' but a lot of us don't!

    It's unfair.

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