Friday, May 1, 2009

Social Work

I don't believe in this nonsense about people being a product of their environments. I'm a product of my hormones, and I have proof.
Last night, while walking down the long-ass "K" corridor in the Chicago O'Hare airport, I saw a pretty girl. A reeeeeeeally pretty girl. She was petite, had irritatingly-perfect shiny black hair, and was just sitting there, all alone, waiting for her plane. So lonely.

We locked eyes.
And then she smiled. She was just being friendly, but still - a big smile.

WOW. It was like God smiling - her face split open like the sun and she had more perfect white teeth than any mortal has. So beautiful.
I tripped.
I tripped like a 14-year-old boy with acne and braces. I tripped on my own feet and promptly fell on my ass, knocking down my roller bag and causing the guy behind me to hop over it with a squeal like a little girl.

Now, I'm a blusher, because I happen to be goddammit Caucasian and blond, and my face was blazing. I looked up at the pretty girl - she saw the whole thing go down, and she was definitely trying not to laugh.

I picked myself up with great dignity, refused to glance back at Hot Girl, and went to drown my sorrows at Cinnabon. (Hello, you delicious Caramel Pecanbon. You love me just the way I am, don't you?)Didn't you always figure that, at some point, you would outgrow this kind of shit? You would become suave, cool, and collected, and girls would fling themselves at you. At least that's what I was counting on.
This is what I pictured happening to me on a daily basis when I grew up: And the reality is that I can't even function in a public place if there happens to be even one cute female in the immediate vicinity. I stammer and my ears turn red and I trip. And there's no growing out of it.


  1. Maybe you should try being straight.

    Marriage = one man, one woman.

  2. Hi Anonymous above,
    Nice comment. Really? Go read a blog more to your liking. You must have a lot of time on your hands.
    Another lesbian

  3. Anonymous said...

    Maybe you should try being straight.

    Marriage = one man, one woman.

    Uh-huh, and y'all deserve it. I'd rather trip over a cute grrl any day!

    --Dyke and happy 'bout it

  4. At least tripping over yourself and having your ears turn red is flattering for said hot girl, and pretty adorable.

  5. Been there. Except for the fact that I usually say something absurd to accompany my gracious falling maneuver. Although I always realize how stupid I sound afterward, I manage to say SOMETHING to further my embarrassment. Every time.

  6. i love re-reading these posts. i have the same thing happen except i feel the room temp. soar,i sweat like fucking crazyyyy, and i don't look at hot girl directly in the eyes unless im in a cool vicinity with breathable clothes on and can obviously flirt back......only reason why i love winter

  7. Tripping is cute!!

    Sigh, one time I was leaving the Running Room and started walking down the stairs when I noticed a pretty sporty lady at the bottom of the stairs walking up.

    We locked eyes and she tripped/stumbled going up the stairs. I didn't know if it was just a coincident, so I didn't say or do anything and kept walking down the stairs and outside into the pouring rain.

    Sigh... looking back, what should I have done?!