Thursday, May 14, 2009

Homo Haircuts

It was time for a haircut.

Everybody else was getting off the plane. I was bent over strands of my own hair, deeply engrossed in breaking off split-ends and seeing how far up I could make 'em go. After a particularly satisfying fracture, I looked up.

The entire plane was staring at me, silent.

Apparently it was my turn to get my carry-on. Anyway! today I went to MasterCuts in a strip mall in Madison. Will the glamour never stop.
The tantastic hairdresser asked me what I wanted. Here is, word-for-word, what I said:
"Mmkay, I'm kinda growing my hair out so I can put it into an obnoxious ponytail and shake it at people when I get annoyed, but I travel for a living and it's all split ends and I wanna be able to put it up but I still want to be able to have it look cool, kinda like a little kid took scissors to it, and also I have bangs as you can see, but I like to keep them too long and in my eyes, but really straight, 'cause they're sorta hipster bangs, right?"
She nodded seriously, got out her clips, and said, "So you want a trim."

Fuck.
It is really difficult to be confronted with bald evidence that you're ridiculous.

Here's the issue, though: What I really wanted was something I couldn't ask for. I wanted a Dyke Haircut.

What's a dyke haircut, you ask?

Bitch please.
Who's the gay girl in this picture? A dyke haircut is a haircut that marks you immediately as a homo, and it's always either one of two things:
1) a really, shockingly, fucktardedly-bad haircut. Often involves a flat-top, a buzz cut, or a non-ironic mullet.

2) an amazingly cool, can't-put-your-finger-on-why-it's-so-great, blindingly stylish haircut that either cost two hundred dollars in a salon with a fag named Gianni or was cut in your kitchen by your friend Gretchen who takes a blunt as payment.

There's only two kinds, folks.

Let's talk about the first type of dyke haircut first. It is bad and wrong. Perhaps you've seen this around town:
Or this: This is the type of haircut that you get when you're a lesbian and you just. don't. giveafuckanymore. It screams, "I'm a homo! I teach gym! I wear a sports bra as my regular bra and I eat pussy and it is absolutely no fun for anybody to picture that."EW.
But do not despair, sluts. As we have discussed, there is another type of dyke haircut, and it is much better. You have options if you're going to get a dyke haircut! You have potential! You could look like this:
Or this:
You have to use the word "choppy" if you want your hairfag to do good work. True dyke haircuts are gorgeous works of art and everybody copies you and then it doesn't work on anybody else. Plus they're good for helping you identify the homogirls in a crowd.

I love me a good dyke haircut. Too bad I now look like I live in the suburbs of Madison. Thanks, MasterCuts.
There is only one last thing to say about dyke haircuts, and with it, I give to you a WARNING: If you see a girl with a shaved head, do yourself a favor and stay the fuck away from her. Even if she's totally pulling it off. A girl who has a freshly-shaved head is C-R-A-Z-Y. Women shave their heads when:

1)they're newly awakened feminists taking freshman Women's Studies courses
2)they're brand-new at being gay
3)they've just gone through a major life change (ended a major relationship, moved to a new city, had an abortion)
4)they're popping pills/heavily medicated/taking drugs
If you meet a cute girl with a shaved head, just back slooooowly away, whispering in a soothing tone: "I don't have your baby, I'm not in your class, I'm not holding, I haven't seen your girlfriend. I don't have your baby, I'm not in your class, I'm not holding......"

This works like a mantra to ward off evil.
Stay away from the baldies and you'll be fine.

43 comments:

  1. 1. Fucking hilarious, why didn't I read sooner.

    2. I concur with baldies warning. I myself went baldette last spring and fell under category #3: moving to a new city AND major career change (reference asian dykes and their mothers--mother was not pleased.), but it doesn't change the fact that in that moment baldies have NO RESERVATIONS (read: awesome party but don't fuck with me because the hangover is not pretty). i mean. was it really necessary to climb a tree at a club? no. did i do it? yes. was it documented? naturally. -.-;;

    3. keep up the posts, this is my new procrastination destination. don't let me down.

    peace,
    j

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kelly, Gingers are people too!

    Here's my question.
    I myself have a fabulous haircut (choppy, dyed, styled into a mess no one can duplicate, ect), but I see NOTHIN' wrong with your second example of a "bad" hair cut.
    That dyke is smokin'.

    ReplyDelete
  3. its the black background, what you dont see is how incredibly crunchy that hair is...

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  4. Know I'm a little late on this one, but how can you crap on a Montreal haircut from JJ? (see third "bad example" photo. The one with the racing stripes.) JJ Levine gives "Lesbian Haircuts for Everyone" in a bike shop (Bikurious) in Montreal. It's quite possibly the best haircut you'll ever get. Honestly, I drive two hours for a JJ cut. Maybe you should take a trip to see her yourself.

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  5. Oh sweet jesus krista...If i woulkd have known the shaved head thing 3 yrs ago, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and drug induced psychosis...lol...Ah well! Ce la Vie!!

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  6. Hahaa, I shaved my head over the summer because I was going for a bright white, stylish look...and used too much bleach. Hahahahaaa...I actually enjoyed it, since I didn't have to do anything to my hair when I woke up.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I got so fed up w my frizzzzyyyy head of hair I shaved it off - so freeing!! I would hate to be lumped in with the "avoid at all cost" group tho, just cause I love my scruffy buzz :-(

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  8. When I chopped all my hair off, I walked into a salon in a gay neighborhood with a picture of Chris Pureka and asked the stylist for a "dyke haircut". She didn't even blink. Best decision of my life :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. But... but... I *like* shaved heads.. =(

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  10. HIlarious, and oh so true. I've been surfing the web for a good haircut, now that my hair is more than 2 inches long. It's time to look like I'm in the 21st century! But I'm having a hard time finding a good hairstyle!

    ReplyDelete
  11. i know this is old, but have to add, if you see a freshly shaved head in March or April, you may well see someone who is shaving for St. Baldrick's Foundation. They are raising money for childhood cancer research.

    I shave mine every year for it, and I am not any of the above ;)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Personally, I've got a(rather adorable) Chelsea style hair thing going on. Yes, it is gay. But it looks fucking adorable. Just saying that we can have fucktardedly weird hair without it being ugly.

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  13. lol there was a girl in one of my classes who was bald..i wish i'd read this article sooner, don't know if i could have kept a straight face though as i sat opposite her..

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  14. i totally went with the bald look last year. and i was totally insane. and i loved it.

    when yr head is shaved, people already assume youre crazy, so it's ok to act like it. amiright?

    ReplyDelete
  15. ha ha so funny :) I once shaved my head after having long hair for years, then a friend cut it and I thought well that went well and when she asked if she could shave it I thought - why not??? Hmmm I didn't love it, though I did like the short hair that eventuated after living through the can't do anything with it stage!

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  16. Can't agree with you on the shaved head bit. i wore mine shaved for years and, while i'm not just dying to shave it at the moment, i wouldn't mind wearing it that way again, for sure. It's not a "crazy" thing or a major life change thing; it wasn't related to education or being a baby gay, and i wasn't a junkie. i just loved not having to deal with it, think about it, look at it, worry about it. It let me be more free and more truly my self.

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  17. i agree that i can't agree! my sister is gay and shaves her head just to avoid having to actually do anything to it and she's totally normal =) <3

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  18. this is so fucking homophobic nobody gives a fuck who you fuck, they fall in love with not genders
    btw im straight

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OHMYGOD YOU'RE SUPER ORIGINAL
      "nobody gives a fuck who you fuck"
      then why'd you point out that you're straight?

      Delete
  19. My wife is bald -- and not knowing whether to laugh or cry after I read her this article. I might now get strangled in my sleep thanks to my dumbass choice of reading this article to her thinking it was funny.

    At present she's laying facing the wall away from me while loudly repeating that only 3 of the 4 criteria apply to her, and that's only if you count what's in number 4 as multiple reasons...

    Live and learn...OUCH!

    ReplyDelete
  20. SHAVED HEAD:

    5.) or she just got over cancer/ supporting someone with cancer.

    twat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anen to that!

      I was really hoping #5 would be something like "or shes the coolest fucking chick ever who decided to show support for her mom/aunt/sister/niece/best friend/mentor (list goes on to include anyone and anyone important to her with cancer)."

      We miss out on way to much when we dont allow ourselves to be vulnerable outside of the limits and boundaries people put on us.

      Delete
    2. Absolutely!

      Or she has an autoimmune disorder meaning her head is bald, not shaved, and she's badass enough to rock it instead of wearing a wig or dealing with steroid treatments.

      Delete
  21. This is actually pretty offensive. Is it really that hard to make an article on a hairstyle without stereotyping?

    Get educated, THEN you can relay information.

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  22. There needs to be more pics!!! I need ideas lol!

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  23. When it said, bitch please who's the dyke in this picture..... yah bitch please, that's Sick of Sarah, they're all dykes. This was hilarious tho

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. >.< That's what I thought, too.
      After the super-obvious, I was like, "but wait, they all look pretty gay..."

      Delete
    2. Yep, I also thought that too. Super cool band.

      Delete
  24. When i met my Fiance Jenn, she was bald :D

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  25. what about that new haircut that all the guys are getting like robin thicke, justin bieber, zayn malik or how ever you spell that kid's name

    ReplyDelete
  26. What if I only have part of my head shaved? I've been hearing a lot of bad things about people who shave parts of their heads lately but honestly people love to pet it. Its a great conversation starter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NO it's adorable to have hair like that. Always.

      Delete
  27. Also- it's horribly uncalled for to say that about shaved heads.
    MAYBE we're just trying to get rid of a mohawk, HUH?!?!?!?!

    ReplyDelete
  28. This blog is humorous and mostly spot on. Thanks for the laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  29. (since people are commenting till today)
    I also thought the bad hair dyke #2 cute :3

    ReplyDelete
  30. I wanna cut all my hair and be a proper dyke but it's so fucking curly, if I wanted to grow it back it'd be the messiest mess ever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have curly hair and I've had short hair for about five years now and I'm afraid to let my hair grow out for the same reason but I also don't want to deal with the hassle of dealing with it long and I think I look better this way.

      Delete
  31. Wow kinda feel like a bad lesbooo. Genuinely don't do much with my hair. It's long and blonde and I just dyed it brown underneath, but usually it just kinda...sits there. Unless I can be bothered to straighten it for special occasions.

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