Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Unhealthy Body Issues

On Your Daily To-Do List: Jillian Michaels. The Lady Bitch trainer on "The Biggest Loser" (aka my standing Tuesday night appointment.)

Can we talk?

Mmkay, I need to talk about the Unhealthiest Body Issue there is: My absolutely CRUSHING obsession with Jillian Michaels's body.
God this woman is an evil dyke ho. And I fucking love her.
She screams, "Do you want to be a loser forever?! DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!! Aren't you tired of being fat? Aren't you tired of not feeling worthy??? Are you mad yet? ARE YOU MAD YET??? Take it out on me! Hit me! Be mad!! Get fucking angry!!" and "What are you fucking scared of?? Succeeding?" about an inch away from her sweating clients' faces.

She makes fun of people. She kicks major ass. She says things like, "I canNOT do this for you. Do it! Push it! Harder!! (Oh, Jillian!)YOU are in charge of YOURSELF!!!"
She is a tiny, scary motherfucker.

She works her group into the ground and thinks it's funny when they cry. She is a fucking sadist, and she gets this nasty gleam in her eye as she announces, "Today we don't quit until my whole team is either dead or wishing they were."The absolute best is when Jillian has just drawn blood, injured somebody, or ripped their self-esteem open so badly that they try to walk off the show. That's when Jillian suddenly becomes a gentle dove, cradling their head in her lap and cooing, "Baby, baby, baby, are you hurt? Tell me where it hurts, baby."

What I would give to have my head in her lap.
She's not even my type! What is wrong with me? The minute Jillian starts getting nasty, "The Biggest Loser" turns into my own personal porno.
I love Tuesday night.

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4 comments:

  1. First Katherine Moennig and now Jillian? Same to do list taped to our fridges, I imagine.

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  2. The picture on her book mad me buy it...and I now drink 120 ounces of water a day because of her...I quit drinking soda and want her to yell at me for being a sad creature...

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  3. There's no way she's straight.

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  4. I SAW HER AT A RESTURANT IN MALIBU ON A DATE WITH A LADY FRIEND! omgidied

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