Thursday, April 16, 2009

Um, Kelly Has A Question

Uh oh. Brace yourselves, homos!

Um, Kelly Has A Question:
Q: "Krista, do lesbians have like, really freaky fetishes? I mean, I don't have any fetishes. Ok, diamonds. But do lesbians have extreme fetishes like guys do? Or is being gay their main fetish?"

A: Christ in a nightie. What a question.
Kelly, because lesbians are people and not rare endangered manatee babies, we have fetishes just like everybody else. And being gay is not a fetish, dumbass. That's like me saying you're a kinky motherfucker for letting men slip one in. Now, I personally don't know any girlies who like getting shat on or get off on wearing diapers, but I know PLENNNNNNTY of chicks who absolutely fucking adore:
getting spanked, getting bitten, getting smacked around during sex(ahem), being fisted, talking dirty, bloodalingus, BDSM, light bondage, piercings, tattoos, strap-ons, anal sex, vampire stories(ahem ahem), fancy lingerie, leather, motorcycles, getting choked, feet, uniforms(Shannonifyou'rereadingthiscallmethatwasfun), Republicans, trannies, elaborate role-playing, little tiny girls, big fat girls, blondes only, Asians only, MILFs, etc. etc. etc. Just like other people. Kells, I can't speak for all of us queer girls, but c'mon - all people who like sex have something they especially like during sexy times.

Or, in my case, any time at all. Super sluts can't keep their fetishes confined to the bedroom! Now, I'm basically attracted to Anybody Female, but there's only two lil' fetishes in my case that are sure-fire, fail-proof, always-gonna-work turn-ons. I'll tell you what they are, because they're odd, and I like to overshare:

Krista's Main Two Fetishes:
1) White cotton underpants. Brand-new. Extremely white. Little teeny boyshorts, classic bikinis, boxers, men's briefs, hipsters, g-strings, thongs, even high-waisters. (The American Apparel website is bookmarked on my computer for a reason.) As long as they're white, as long as they're cotton, I will be at your fucking mercy. I don't care. I just love them. Not on me, only on you. Prance around my house wearing nothing but white underpants! Wear them next to me and deny me access! White goddammit underpants will be the death of me. I once followed a drag queen all around The Gay 90's until bar close, just because she was dressed like Gwen Stefani in "Underneath It All." I didn't even care that she had a dick. Whiiiiiite underpants. Just so fucking wrong.
2) Don't gag, but - armpit hair on girls. Yesyesi'mafuckingdykegetoverit. Before you puke, let me explain. Only a very few girls can pull this off. In order for me to be sexually attracted to some girl's armpits, she has to be: 1) really fit, 2) otherwise well-groomed, and 3) have silky armpit hair. Silky is key. If it looks sleek, it looks like fur, and then it makes me think, "Ooh, she's an animal! Rawr! What if she bites me?"
See the armpit hair? It takes ol' Ani here from "Meh" to "Holy Shit."

So there you go, Kelly. You like diamonds, I like a cute ass in white underpants. Both fetishes, in their own fucked-up way.Everybody has fetishes. The End.
Mmkay, Kelly?

7 comments:

  1. dude, i REALLY get both your fetishes...

    ReplyDelete
  2. the best part is kelly's picture; kel, i love you!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. bloodalingus?? i hate you! please erase that from my brain.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I need a catchy fetish term for liking to fuck while watching war (anything where one group of people is trying to end another group of people works. Saving the world (or galaxy) from tyranny is an extra extra ++) movies. Oh Great Scribe help a sister out.

    ReplyDelete
  5. omg i love that you say underpants. that is so fucking cute.

    ReplyDelete
  6. also, i love the 'kelly has a question' blogs. she is such a weirdo.

    ReplyDelete
  7. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete