Monday, April 20, 2009

Dykes on Bikes

Congratulate me, queers and wannabees.

After three whole years of riding my adorable orange scooter (with glitter flames!) illegally....

I finally got my motorcycle license!!

I am now officially The Gayest Girl on the Planet.

This begs the question: What is with lesbians and motorcycles?
Why are we so obsessed? Why are there 'Dykes on Bikes' but no '20-Something Career Girls on Bikes'? No 'Homemakers on Harleys'? No 'Moms on Motos'?

Why just lesbians?
I've been giving this some thought. And my hypothesis is: Everyone else is stupid. Motorcycles (and scooters) fucking rule!

In the words of the always-eloquent CJ Mace: "Doesn't everyone like powerful vibrating machines between their thighs?"

There are some awfully good things about having a bike. Girls giggle and ask you for rides. I get to say, "You have to hold on really tight, mmkay?" and then sometimes breast-fondling happens! If you have a bike, you can park anywhere you please, and insurance costs $124...for the whole year. Gas costs nothing, since it gets 85 mph, and you get to carry a helmet around with you and look really cool and Euro and shit. Why wouldn't you want one?

You can even train your cross-dressing German shepherd puppy Charlie to ride on the scooter with you. If you're really lucky. Girls, why are so many of you riding bitch? Or not at all?
From what I've seen, it would appear that the only permissible place for a straight girl to ride on a motorcycle is on the back, clinging to her boyfriend like a spider monkey.

Get your own bike! C'mon it's fun. You can talk to old guys about how many CCs you've got. You can peel out from the dyke bar and sneer at the pathetic lezzies who don't have a bike. My scooter is really tiny, but I still rev my engine like a frat boy at other cars, hoping to race them.
I also, um, dress to match my scooter. There I said it!
Everybody go get a motorcycle or a scooter. Like immediately. Then we can form a gang.
I get to be Gang Boss.


  1. I'll fight you for Gang-Boss-ness.

  2. I finally realized something: I am gay. Or the only member of the moms who like to drive a motorcycle. (Sadly I had to sell mine to support my kids but someday.... someday.)

  3. I'm re-reading effingdykes posts (again)...
    HOW did I miss the dykey barbies on motorcycle picture? Fantastic.

  4. I just got my license too! I have been riding my scooter illegally for three years as well. I love the vibration. I rev my engine when my femme is on the back and we chuckle. I keep telling her she needs to get one!

  5. I'm a 20-Something-Career-Girl on a bike.
    But I'll still join your gang. :)