Monday, March 16, 2009

You know you're a trashy hooker when you're in a cab, hooch-dress on, coffee in hand, at 10:30 on a Saturday morning, on your way to meet a new Craigslist "friend."

I'm just sayin'.
Anyway! the point is, while in a very compromising position, I learned some important information on how to spot Undercover Lesbians when you're in the deep South. My new friend was from Texas, and I had gaydar questions for her. I did a little stark-naked (okaywejustrolledmydressup) reporting. Working while screwing! I'm a workaholic. I should get a tax write-off for this shit.
Here's what I learned:
Apparently, it's quite difficult to determine who's a muffdiver in Texas and who isn't. And you can get your ass kicked for asking. So Texas lesbians have a saying that they use to police themselves when they're about to ask a cute farmgirl out:

"Is she a lesbian, or is she an equestrian?"
Hee. Now, this question is amazing, because it sums up the exact problem with girlie gaydar in the South - lots of girls look gay because they work on farms with horses all day, but very few of them are.
Doesn't she look corn-fed and wholesome? Doesn't she look like she wants to let her hair out of that bun and make sweet love to you? Look at her stroking that horse's flank. That could be your ass.
Dykes are genetically hard-wired to love women who are good at shit like camping. Therefore they cannot resist an outdoorsy lil' Horse Girl. They have to ask her out - can't help it.

But they must try not to, or else they'll be clubbed to death by that girl's 14 born-again Baptist brothers.

However, I do see how you might get confused about what's what. In this dressage picture, we have all the trappings of fun-times lezzie role-playing: the riding crop, the menswear-styled jacket, the evil sneer, the knee-high leather boots. But do not be fooled - this girl is an equestrian.
Not a lesbian.

Damn.

It is hard to tell the difference! I didn't even know the lesbian-or-equestrian thing was an issue until I got home and did some Emergency Googling. My friend was right - farmgirls look like freckled, fresh-faced dykes.
Why can't we just go back to the 80's, when an earring in the right ear was the only signal we needed?

9 comments:

  1. Haha. The 80's. Haha. I remember that!

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  2. isn't a flank a leg?..just askin'

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  3. "Look at her stroking that horse's flank. That could be your ass."
    My gf loved that comment!

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  4. "Dykes are genetically hard-wired to love women who are good at shit like camping. Therefore they cannot resist an outdoorsy lil' Horse Girl. They have to ask her out - can't help it."

    Oh my goooooood. I fell so hard for a beautiful country girl at camp one summer. Freckled, dirty, corn-fed, rough-and-tumble and all. Just with a boyfriend. @#$%! I couldn't get her out of my head for months. I would always look for her cowboy hat in the dining hall or her button-up western-style rodeo shirt around the campfire. It really is hard to tell them apart.

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  5. Hey, I'm an equestrian lesbo. Don't go telling people we don't exists. (Although I get your point. I've lusted after waaaay too many horse girls that just scream dyke but are straight as an arrow. *Le sigh* such a waste of good talent. Horse people are so good with their hands.)

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    1. holy hell, tell me about it. Being a horselesbian (thanks for that term, straight friends) I was incredibly lucky to find another horselesbian, we are much rarer than you'd expect.

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    2. I'm a lesbian horseback rider too. I live with my horses (9) in Costa Rica. Who wants to come and ride with me through the mountains and along the beaches? How many of us are there out there?

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    3. Ooh, haha I do!
      I just got to Costa Rica and I feel like it's dry as hell out here (and I don't mean the climate). How can you tell if a girl's a lesbian in this Catholic mess?

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  6. Hard-wired to love women who are good at shit like camping... This means all ladies are hard-wired to love me. Fuck yes. I'm great at camping. And fucking. And I love them both. Especially at the same time. It's like sex in a bag.. Ope! It totally is sex in a bag (if you count a tent as a bag). 50 points for tent sex!

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