Friday, March 13, 2009

Um, Kelly Has A Question

Everyone, meet Kelly.

Kelly is The Straightest Girl I Know.

For serious. Kelly is so, so, unbelievably straight. She subscribes to Cosmo. She thinks "Legally Blonde 2" was a good movie. She owns 37 tubes of identical pink lip gloss. She was on the Bay Port Pom Pom squad. She knows who won "The Bachelor." She has a pink, heart-shaped picture frame around a picture of her boyfriend. She loooooves boys - all boys. She obsesses over makeup and her perfect dream day involves candy, sexwithaman, manicures, a massage, and the rest of the day spent trying out eyeshadow shades at Sephora. The absolute straightest girl I have ever met.
She's one of my favorite people.

Anyway! Kelly has done us a favor here at Effing Dykes. She has agreed to write down some of the more appalling straight-girl questions she has asked me, over the years, about being a lesbian. All for the benefit of Education.

So, Um, Kelly Has A Question:

Q: "Krista, don't all lesbians just really kind of want a dick? Is that why they like dildos?"
A: Kelly, what the fuck. Ten points for honesty, though - I can see how this is going to help many straight people understand dykes better.

Ok, first of all, NO. All lesbians do not want a dick. I can think of only one lesbian I know who wants a penis, and she just wants one so she can pee on things. I myself want nothing to do with a dong - they're weird, they squirt stuff that stains, they're unpredictable, and they're needy. I don't approve. It would maybe be fun to fuck a girl with one, but I can do that already!

I do, however, like dildos, just like you said. But...I don't think a dildo is a penis. It is a silicone sex toy - kind of hard to confuse with something that is actually growing and attached to a person. Bite a penis, the boy goes, "Ow." Bite a dildo, it keeps its fucking mouth shut. Dildos are better.

Dildos are better because they give a girl the ability to fuck another girl hands-free with a strap-on. Dildos are better because they cannot spray cum, unexpectedly, in your eye. Dildos are better because you can have more than one without getting called a whore. More than one man? Whore. More than one dildo? Lucky!

And the assortment you can choose from! All different sizes! And shapes and colors! Can you get a boy that comes with a hot-pink vibrating penis? No. Can you buy a dildo shaped like President Obama that has multicolored glitter twinkling all over its surface? Yes. Get it? Lesbians like dildos because it feels good to have something in there. But we don't want a guy to be attached. Dykes are kind of selfish that way - we want all of the pleasure of penis-sex without having to do the things that would ordinarily guarantee us that pleasure - i.e. wash someone else's dishes every goddamned day, fake an orgasm, or pretend we care when our boyfriend has a hard day at work.

Because I'm not gonna lie. Sex with a man feels good. Penises feel good. But men don't turn me on. Women do. So what should a girl who is turned on by women and likes the feel of penises do? Umm, how about get a dildo and call it a day?

Mmmkay, Kelly?


  1. I could never imagine Kelly using the word "dick." I remember how swear words used to make her eyes go all fucking-huge and shit. Maybe she's changed.


  2. I don't quit understand how lesbians can like dildos. I just know I don't like anything penis related. Even dildos! And I do NOT want a dick. I do want to have sex with a dick either. Why? because I'm a lesbian! It would make sense that I don't like dick. Not everyone needs a dick in their life, not ALL lesbians use dildos!

  3. i like sex hehe, i dont like guys and cant even think of them in a sexual way just as best buds. do i want my girl to have fun with me with a possible dildo/strap on... fuck yeah i want to make her feel good and come all the time!! gotta love how she moans =D

  4. Sex with a man feels good? Wtf? I thought you were a lesbian. It's been proven that 90% of women don't orgasm with piv sex/ penetration. Google it.