Tuesday, March 10, 2009


Once upon a time (okaylastseptember) there was a dyke named Krista.

I lived, at the time, in an apartment that was next door to a private Catholic school. One day, as I was driving home from work in my glamorous Ford Escort hatchback, I saw her: the vision of my high-school Catholic fantasies. She was walking along, her skirt rolled too high, wearing over-the-knee white socks and blowing a pink chewing-gum bubble. She was tall - she had long, honey-colored hair blowing back in the breeze, a sweater falling off one arm, and one of her shoelaces was untied. Adorable.
Knowing, as I do, that all Catholic schoolgirls make out with one another, I did what any suave lesbian would do - I drove around the block again. Stalkers fall in love, too!
There she was again. God, she was perfect! She even walked like a dyke. If only she wasn't sixteen! Aaaagh. Stupid morals-getting-in-the-way.

I drove home, foaming at the mouth. I couldn't wait to tell my roommate, Tawnya, about my discovery: there were hot girls at St. Mark's, and our window looked out onto their playing field! I began picturing long afternoons involving me, Tawnya, chai, and Volleyball Tryouts.

I took another look at the St. Mark's sign as I parked. And that's when I saw it: "St. Mark's - Strengthening Hearts, Minds, and Spirits. Pre-K through 8th."

Pre-K through 8TH GRADE???!!!?? Ohhhhh I was going to Hell. Oh, Jesus. I HAD BEEN FANTASIZING ABOUT A 13-YEAR-OLD!

This just goes to show that not all sex offenders need to register.
I was actually really embarrassed about this whole episode - I refused to even look at St. Mark's for about six months. Tawnya brings this story up at every possible opportunity.

I realize that not everyone has as many problems with "boundaries" as I do, but...Has anyone else ever been tricked? Did you ever go for a baby dyke who snuck into the club with a fake I.D.?
Or are these the warning signs of impending cougar status?


  1. SERIOUSLY!!!! Once a friend set me up with another friend who turned out to be 16!!!!!!! Not ok!!! Especially finding out the next morning! Then there was a camping trip I was on where I saw a glorious amazon build woman carrying an ax. Beautiful face, pretty long hair, thighs like tree trunks. I swear she could toss me over her shoulder and carry me away.... and I'm pretty sturdy! Anyway I said something under my breath, Perhaps "goddamn" and the outfitter guy said "Yeah she has been such a help around here this summer. Hard to believe she's only 12." Be warned. They grow em big up north.

  2. Nope! I feel you, Kris. My cousin unknowingly made out with a 19-year-old at a club last year. Then, he served him a little alcohol and *BOOM* they didn't let him come back for a year! Those bouncers are strict. It's a tough world out there.

  3. Kris, I know where you're coming from.
    But you have no idea how hard it is to get anywhere when you're 17, and the only gay under 23 for miles.
    D: We just want to learn!

  4. girl this has happened to me more times than i care to tell. females 12-25 look very age ambiguous when sporting the thin-hipped,long-legged, doe-eyed thing i so adore.

    i just tell myself that it was these slightly perverted 20/30 year olds staring at me when i was 14 that got me thinking. so i am doing them a favor?

  5. Allow me to introduce you to KILF(IF), Kid I'd Like to Fuck (In Future). For those times when it's inappropriate to be attracted to someone too young, but you are anyway and you need to express it. It's also useful when you see a kid that you think will grow up to be very attractive. Something like nymphets, but then you don't have to call them nymphets and be all Humbert Humbert-y.

  6. My Son & my Niece are both 13. He looks about 16.
    She looks about 25. And her friends also look about 25. I just look and smile (SIGH) and sit
    on my hands when She and her friends are around.

  7. This is way late but fucking hilarious.

    BECAUSE I USED TO LIVE BY ST MARK'S. in st. paul? Yep.

  8. Could be worse i was 20 when this happened met a stunning hipster chick let’s call her Grace at my Collages anti government something lets all yell and have a pick nick thing. later that day was at a friend Laura’s house for her going to Paris for three months party low and behold there she was so manage to pull her and her best friend happy days :P
    We Started seeing each other. She basically moved in for the summer. So three months down the line my friend comes back from Paris and comes banging on my door with bagels and a chat about Paris vag and low and behold Grace wanders out in nothing but her panties. Laura screams turns out grace only turned 16 the month before. she was Laura’s little sisters school friend. So I had been fucking a 15 year old for 3 months to makes matters worse Grace reveals her friend I also slept with was luras little sister who was the ripe age of 14. Still haven’t lived it down.

  9. The first girl I ever picked up at the Lexington (SF dyke bar) turned out to be 19 and in there with a fake ID. Only found this out after she alluded to coming to my place because hers was far away and when I asked where she lived she stammered "ummmm such-and-such dorm hall"l