Thursday, March 19, 2009

Jason Is Overly Interested.

Morning, all y'all! This is Jason. Don't be alarmed.

Jason is the first straight male I've made friends with in about 3 years. He managed this incredible feat by being unbelievably, breathtakingly crass. Jason shocks me.

He is also the one person I know who can be counted upon to say EXACTLY what he's thinking.

Doesn't have a filter, this boy. If he's thinking it, it's coming out of his mouth at the same time. Now, this can be fun, but it can also make easily-offended folks (read: boring people) upset. Here are some choice, direct quotes from Jason that I overheard at a single party:

1) "You're pretty. And a little fat. But I like that. A tummy is really like a third tit."

2) "Wow. You're not funny. Even at all."

3) "Hey, you DO look like a dude!"

4) "What? I wasn't listening. I was looking at your boobs."

He's a hero of mine.
Anyway! Jason loves this blog, and now he's going to contribute on a regular basis. Jason is going to text me all the filthy straight-boy questions about lesbians he's been trying not to ask, and we're going to read them here on Effing Dykes!

So, Jason Is Overly Interested:

Q: "Krista, when I have sex, it's like 2 to 10 minutes where we're actually doin' it. How do lesbians know when they've had sex?"

A: Jason, that's a really fucking good question. Problem is, I don't actually know the answer - it's all relative. Lots of things lesbians do in bed count as sex. Some girls think that anything you do in bed counts as sex. But, please - where do you draw the line? Kissing? Spooning? Um, no.

Plenty of dykes think you've had sex if fingers enter the vagina at any time. But what if you just touch each other and don't go in? Hmmm.

Another popular definition is "you've had sex if she went down on you." 'Cause lesbians love to eat pussy, right? But that definition is stupid, especially if you're a picky-ass bitch who won't put her mouth anywhere near someone's crotch for the first few fucktimes. (soi'maprudesofuckingsueme. I don't eat pussy until we're in a relationship. It's too personal for hookups.)

The only actual answer I can give you, Jason, is: Lesbians have had sex if they think they did. There's no gold standard, like you straights with your 'dick-up-the-vadge.' Weird, right? And this can be tricky. For example - after getting fingerbanged in a bar bathroom at the age of 18, I was elated. I had finally had lesbian sex!

.........or had I?
Is this not complicated? Every lezzie's definition of sex is different. My definition, for future reference, is: Fingers, oral, or toys - all of it is sex.

And Jason? Even if queer girls don't have cocks, we all still know when sex is finished. And it ain't after no 2 to 10 minutes.

Happy, perv?


  1. Lesbians have had sex if they think they did.
    What the hell does that mean?

    My definition of lesbian sex is if one or
    both or more of Y'all had an orgasm no matter
    how you got there you had sex.

    If one or both or more had no orgasm then Y'all was just fooling around.

    1. amen to this answer, totally agree!

  2. You can definitely have sex without either of you having an orgasm.

  3. My definition of sex is ~ If there are at least 2 people in the room and at least 1 of them gets off, it's sex.

    1. ok, this one is more accurate than that 1st one, this is my choice.

  4. My definition of sex for any combination of genders/identities etc is any direct stimulation of unclothed genitalia.

    Thus it levels the playing field for gays/straights/trans/genderqueer/impotent/unorgasmic/solo/poly/oral/you name it.

  5. My definition is licking.
    For any new lezzie/bisexual, the first time you get tasted is an experience.
    of course this doesn't apply if youve had guys on you -- or maybe it still does.

  6. My definition is : any combination of hands, mouth, anus and genitalia. Does not include hand-hand, mouth-mouth and anus-anus.
    Whatcha think?

  7. I'm all about the original answer- "Lesbians have had sex if they think they did." Its no one else's business to tell me how to feel about the experiences that take place in my bed (or shower, kitchen floor, on top of the dryer, etc.) I think if you feel like ya'll shared a sexually intimate connection, and it feels like sex it was sex. If it felt like fooling around and getting off then, well then that sounds fun too.