Tuesday, March 3, 2009

DYKE STYLE UPDATE!!


Hypothetical Situation:

The apartment next to you has been vacant for weeks. Today, as you come home from work, SHE is hauling boxes up the stairs. Your hot, sweating, thin-tank-top-wearing, hair-falling-out-of-her-ponytail-and-brushing-fetchingly-against-her-neck, GORGEOUS new neighbor. Thank you, Lord Ganesh.
She seems unaware that her shirt is slightly see-through. She smiles at you.

A muscled, cheerful man is helping her move in. (Fuck.)

Let's see what we're working with.


She has: shoulder-length hair, tiiiiight jeans, mascara, keys carabiner-clipped to her belt loop, a probable boyfriend, an leather satchel, one of those stupid headband-elastic things, and baby-blue New Balance sneakers on.

What is she?

Solution: Please. Quit insulting me! This is too easy - use your eyes! Girlfriend is wearing a carabiner!

Carabiners (below) are the exclusive property of dykes.

We love them because they're handy, seem like tools, and we think they make us look like this:
Which they don't. But it doesn't matter, because any girl wearing her keys on a carabiner (so they bang against her leg) might as well be wearing Homo Jingle Bells.
Fa la la la lez!

13 comments:

  1. I think you are a genius, by the way.

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  2. haha, totally me. i did not always realize this, especially when i was just coming out. however, a nice gay boy informed me exactly how gay my keys hanging from belt loop were. i just thought i was being practical. nope, just really gay.

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  3. Hahahahahahaha. OMG.

    How in the world can you take a seemingly irrelevant object and make it the humorous subject of a brilliant blog post?

    I love you.

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  4. i have my keys on a carribeaner...maybe i am not bi...maybe i am full on lez...

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  5. idk... i think straight girls can have carabiners... just outdoorsy straight girls

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  6. To confuse: I once knew a bi girl who had a carabiner. Along with her keys, it had a little penis charm on it.

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  7. Yeah, straight outdoorsy girls can have carabiners, except they are usually attached to their rockclimbing harnesses with gear attached, not on their belts with keys attached...

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  8. Every counselor at my Girl Scout camp was gay.

    Every. Single. One.

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  9. Yeah... from rock climbing to keys on the belt to realizing my status as lady gay. The 'biner should have clued me in a bit sooner...

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  10. hahaha oh man i think im fallign in love. great blog and very funny =D

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  11. I have my keys in a carabiner. Well fuck me, I had no idea.

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  12. this is so popular now, at least in chicago, that i don't think it is that a perfect gaydar tool. but this post was from a couple years ago... *shrug* it goes along w/everything else the author has been saying about chicago hipstersvsgaysdar being difficult.

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  13. Dear god, I've been wearing my keys like that for years, and I only RECENTLY figured out my gayness. WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME?

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