Tuesday, March 3, 2009


Hypothetical Situation:

The apartment next to you has been vacant for weeks. Today, as you come home from work, SHE is hauling boxes up the stairs. Your hot, sweating, thin-tank-top-wearing, hair-falling-out-of-her-ponytail-and-brushing-fetchingly-against-her-neck, GORGEOUS new neighbor. Thank you, Lord Ganesh.
She seems unaware that her shirt is slightly see-through. She smiles at you.

A muscled, cheerful man is helping her move in. (Fuck.)

Let's see what we're working with.

She has: shoulder-length hair, tiiiiight jeans, mascara, keys carabiner-clipped to her belt loop, a probable boyfriend, an leather satchel, one of those stupid headband-elastic things, and baby-blue New Balance sneakers on.

What is she?

Solution: Please. Quit insulting me! This is too easy - use your eyes! Girlfriend is wearing a carabiner!

Carabiners (below) are the exclusive property of dykes.

We love them because they're handy, seem like tools, and we think they make us look like this:
Which they don't. But it doesn't matter, because any girl wearing her keys on a carabiner (so they bang against her leg) might as well be wearing Homo Jingle Bells.
Fa la la la lez!


  1. I think you are a genius, by the way.

  2. haha, totally me. i did not always realize this, especially when i was just coming out. however, a nice gay boy informed me exactly how gay my keys hanging from belt loop were. i just thought i was being practical. nope, just really gay.

  3. Hahahahahahaha. OMG.

    How in the world can you take a seemingly irrelevant object and make it the humorous subject of a brilliant blog post?

    I love you.

  4. i have my keys on a carribeaner...maybe i am not bi...maybe i am full on lez...

  5. idk... i think straight girls can have carabiners... just outdoorsy straight girls

  6. To confuse: I once knew a bi girl who had a carabiner. Along with her keys, it had a little penis charm on it.

  7. Yeah, straight outdoorsy girls can have carabiners, except they are usually attached to their rockclimbing harnesses with gear attached, not on their belts with keys attached...

  8. Every counselor at my Girl Scout camp was gay.

    Every. Single. One.

  9. Yeah... from rock climbing to keys on the belt to realizing my status as lady gay. The 'biner should have clued me in a bit sooner...

  10. hahaha oh man i think im fallign in love. great blog and very funny =D

  11. I have my keys in a carabiner. Well fuck me, I had no idea.

  12. this is so popular now, at least in chicago, that i don't think it is that a perfect gaydar tool. but this post was from a couple years ago... *shrug* it goes along w/everything else the author has been saying about chicago hipstersvsgaysdar being difficult.

  13. Dear god, I've been wearing my keys like that for years, and I only RECENTLY figured out my gayness. WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME?