Monday, February 2, 2009

Super Femmes








Where the butch lived in terror that she would have to participate in Home Ec., the Femme got an A+ and stitched needlepoint heart-shaped pillows for extra credit. Yay girls!

The femme grew up like your average girly-girl. She had long hair. She was in dance class. She sketched horses on her notebooks. Her daddy called her "lil bit." She wore pink corduroy jumpers and had curly shoelaces. And she never had a problem with that.
The word ‘femme’ encompasses a large group of lezzies. There are lots and lots of dykes that take on the femme label, including punk girls in skirts who might beat you up, straight-looking-and-acting gay women, women who just aren't out, and women who love love love girly shit like Lancome Juicy Tubes and Fendi and the car Elle drives in Legally Blonde. (BTW, if you know a lot about those three things, you're probably a femme. Or seriously whipped by one.) All of these mean ‘femme.’

Vast category.
Let’s break it up a little, shall we?


Super Femmes

The holy grail of many lesbians. Elusive, like the mystical unicorn, the Super Femme is a badass girly-girl. Often sought, rarely found, the Super Femme is 100%, completely, absolutely gay and looks like the most feminine woman you’ve ever met. Unless you know exactly what you’re looking for, she is impossible to detect in the straight world.

The Super Femme takes it up a notch. Also known as a High Femme, the Super Femme is what men think of when they think about lesbians – nails done, tumbling hair, cleavage, tight skirts, tight dresses, high heels, makeup, Wonderbras, lip gloss, Brazilians, products all over the counter, jewelry, purses, pink drinks, bikinis….good-smelling gorgeous unreasonable goddamn femmes.

The kind of women people watch in pornos and think, “I’m into that.”

But make no mistake – Super Femmes do not have to look like the feminine ideal. They are not always in perfect shape, and they don’t always only fuck each other (contrary to popular boi and butch beliefs). They can be fat, curvy, BBW, thin, or fit, but the main idea is…soft. Soft hair, soft hands, soft lips, soft breasts nuzzling each other in a low-cut fuzzy pink sweater.
Super femmes do not always start out by dating women. Most commonly, they dated and slept with men for years before trying a girl, and *poof* never went back. Super Femmes do not fuck men after that, ever. That would be gross. Ewww! Super Femmes are not bi, they don’t want to let their boyfriends watch them make out with girls at the bar, and they are sick of dykes thinking they're straight, goddammit.

The Super Femme is bossy. She is in charge of her relationship, especially if she’s dating a butch – both in and out of the bedroom. Super Femmes tend to be either sexual tops or complete bottoms - not a lot of gray area in bed for her. She knows what she likes and, if you don’t, will teach you how to do it right. She is definitely out in the gay community. She takes a lot of shit from other dykes, her mother, and men. The Super Femme does not want a man. The Super Femme wants to fuck you really hard against a wall and then go have dinner somewhere nice.

Bad things about Super Femmes:

They are BOSSY. I believe we already covered that, but it bears repeating. Super Femmes have it in their minds that they are rare exotic magical birds-of-paradise. They feel that there are so few Super Femmes that they can do whatever they like with no consequences. This includes: sleeping around, using their partner's Visa to buy: 1)clothes 2)rent 3)anything else they want; talking in a baby voice; sulking and ruining an evening out; and putting stick-on gemstones all over their cellphones. Super Femmes make a choice to wear ridiculous shoes and then complain about it all night. They think they look good in white pants. They have difficulty distinguishing between "appropriate" and "are-you-kidding-me-you-look-like-a-stripper." They have fake nails and can rip your uterus into ribbons and give you a nasty infection if they're inexperienced. They say, "I just want a little bite" and eat everything on your plate. They're lazy. They can't save money. And they are scary motherfuckers if you piss them off.

Good Things About Super Femmes:

They smell great. They will cuddle your head against their breasts if you're sad. They are incapable of not-helping if they see someone who needs it. They have everything you could ever need in their purses. They force you to moisturize and use conditioner. They're good dancers. They're cheap dates - they can't hold their liquor.
They make really fucking snarky comments about people really quietly, while you fall out of your chair laughing. They buy presents for you. They remember birthdays. They can usually bake. Super Femmes are sexually adventurous - fucking in the bathroom stall is something they conquered at 14 years old. They're great travel partners, as long as it's not camping. They are way stronger than they look. They get free stuff all the time - upgrades to first class, show tickets, dinners, rides on strangers' motorcycles - just for smiling pretty. They make complicated lists. They want you to take a bubble bath with them. They know who just got eliminated on America's Next Top Model. They will beat the shit out of anybody who hurts anyone they love.


We'll do more on Femmes later - bitches have so many subcategories, my hands are cramping up just thinking about it.

15 comments:

  1. so, i love your blog. so much so that i'm reading the ENTIRE THING. good lord. and i just noticed you never did more on femmes! it'd be great if you would? :)

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  2. MORE FEMMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  3. More femmes!!! When femmes are dating each other you can find them at event braiding their hair together. Seriously.

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  4. More on femmes, please! I'm also with all the people saying they love this blog so much they've read the entire thing. Hahahaha. :D

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  5. I am so reading this entire blog, but I may laugh myself unconscious at some point.

    Until I came to this entry. Krista, I'm about to marry a Super Femme. HOLY FUCK. She doesn't fit the description 100%, but 95% of that is spot on. I am so whipped forever.
    ~Anissa

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  6. "The Super Femme wants to fuck you really hard against a wall and then go have dinner somewhere nice." -- Now, now, who doesn't look forward to that everyday?!

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  7. AMEN, eme! As a recently out femme, I've been so relieved and excited to embrace the idea that I can still be really feminine AND be into other women.

    Krista please write more on this topic! I LOVE your blog and it would be great to have some feedback on how to be more identifiably out as a femme.

    ~Liz

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  8. Super-Femme here. This is totally me.

    "The Super Femme wants to fuck you really hard against a wall and then go have dinner somewhere nice."

    I feel this was written for me...minus the long nails. Mine are short, but usually painted. :)

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  9. Please do more femmes (pun not intended, but keeping it for the hilarity). I'd love to see a "Types of Femmes" thing because I'm a femme who loves femmes and the word femme and we all need more love.

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  10. I adore this! Unless I'm practically directing lesbian air traffic with the massive glass-bead rainbow bracelets I've acquired (seriously, it's like a cuff), I am completely off everyone's gaydar. My girlfriend gets hit on by other lesbians right in front of me when we're together, because everyone assumes I'm her "straight friend". Being super femme is no easy feat.

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  11. femmes can be bi too. and it's super fucked up to say that bi women let their boyfriends watch them make out with girls at bars.

    sincerely,
    a bisexual high femme (who's dating a lesbian) who is just as queer as any lesbian

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