Saturday was my birthday!
Do you know what happens on your birthday?
Everybody else has to pay $35, but you get in free at the Olympus Spa (aka the Korean Naked Lady Spa) in Seattle!
Don't be jealous.
My friend Kirsten said we were going. This is what I pictured:
Happy birthday to me.
But it wasn't like that.
When you walk in the door, Korean ladies give you a clipboard with stern reminders like, "Clothing of ANY KIND is STRICTLY prohibited" and "Women on their menstrual cycle are prohibited in the pool area." Then they give you a hospital-robe and a gorgeous cotton showercap. And a tour! You get to take a tour of all the special rooms, and everybody looks like a patient in the psych ward, all drinking tea in their showercaps.
I was imagining a Turkish-bath sort of situation, with steaming clinical-looking pools and cement floors, but this was actually posh.
I was also imagining enormous women with tits hanging down to their knees, but I forgot I live in Seattle, so that everywhere I looked, there were more attractive naked women. "Clothing prohibited." Thank you, Jesus.
Where to look??? At first, I didn't look at anyone, for fear they would be alerted to the fact that I was a huge pervert. Then I realized it couldn't matter less. We all had the same equipment. For once, I was free to stare openly at other womens' chests, and for once, it was completely non-erotic. Is this not irony? I spend most of my waking life telling myself, "Don't look at her boobs. Don't. Look. At. Her. Boobs", and here were thousands of bouncing breasts, here for the eye-raping!
And I didn't even care. By the end of the day, I was so relaxed, I was floppy. At the Korean Naked Lady Spa, it was nudity en masse, and it was actually very normal. I was not having erotic fantasies at any moment. No lie! This must be how it feels to be a straight girl all the time! God, if I were a straight girl, I would get so much done. I would have so much free time from not-thinking about hot women that I would be painting napkin-rings to match my barrettes. I would put window-clings up for every holiday. I would buy air-fresheners and bake shit and work out like 20 hours a day.
My life would be easy.