Monday, February 23, 2009

The Naked-Lady Spa

Saturday was my birthday!

Do you know what happens on your birthday?


Everybody else has to pay $35, but you get in free at the Olympus Spa (aka the Korean Naked Lady Spa) in Seattle!

Don't be jealous.

My friend Kirsten said we were going. This is what I pictured:

Happy birthday to me.
But it wasn't like that.

When you walk in the door, Korean ladies give you a clipboard with stern reminders like, "Clothing of ANY KIND is STRICTLY prohibited" and "Women on their menstrual cycle are prohibited in the pool area." Then they give you a hospital-robe and a gorgeous cotton showercap. And a tour! You get to take a tour of all the special rooms, and everybody looks like a patient in the psych ward, all drinking tea in their showercaps.

I was imagining a Turkish-bath sort of situation, with steaming clinical-looking pools and cement floors, but this was actually posh.

I was also imagining enormous women with tits hanging down to their knees, but I forgot I live in Seattle, so that everywhere I looked, there were more attractive naked women. "Clothing prohibited." Thank you, Jesus.

Where to look??? At first, I didn't look at anyone, for fear they would be alerted to the fact that I was a huge pervert. Then I realized it couldn't matter less. We all had the same equipment. For once, I was free to stare openly at other womens' chests, and for once, it was completely non-erotic. Is this not irony? I spend most of my waking life telling myself, "Don't look at her boobs. Don't. Look. At. Her. Boobs", and here were thousands of bouncing breasts, here for the eye-raping!

And I didn't even care. By the end of the day, I was so relaxed, I was floppy. At the Korean Naked Lady Spa, it was nudity en masse, and it was actually very normal. I was not having erotic fantasies at any moment. No lie! This must be how it feels to be a straight girl all the time! God, if I were a straight girl, I would get so much done. I would have so much free time from not-thinking about hot women that I would be painting napkin-rings to match my barrettes. I would put window-clings up for every holiday. I would buy air-fresheners and bake shit and work out like 20 hours a day.

My life would be easy.


  1. hunnee, if you were a straight girl, you'd be spending those idle hours pondering male hotties, just like me, sweatin mr. undergrad front desk clerk here in upstate!

  2. Hey Krista!
    I just found your blog through the Bloggie Awards and can I say, you are fantastically hilarious. I've been laughing myself silly for the past few hours over this shit. I've really been enjoying your category descriptions. Even if it doesn't match the stereotype in my head, you present a convincing picture anyway. I can just SEE that lesbian you're describing. Well done!

    I see that you live in Seattle. Me too! I have a feeling that this will just make things that much funnier.

    Thanks for writing!

  3. I really love to go a spa, my body feel relax and comfortable with myself, i think everyone must to take a time to go a spa although be once per week, this practice is very healthy and it could help you even if you have sexual problems. Another alternative is to buy viagra. The spa is really good, i advice you.

    1. hahahaha these viagra ads are funny, never knew they'd reach that level!

      they ain't as funny as your blog tho! :-)