Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Power Dykes

When I was in middle school, there was a surprise assembly for the 8th-graders. We were herded into the gym, and as we settled ourselves on the bleachers, the Power Team burst in and catapulted themselves onstage. The Power Team! Men and women with huuuuge muscles; neon-yellow Lycra outfits; giant hair! They could do flips from a standing position! They could lift each other up with one hand! Every time they did a trick, they would all growl in unison, "POWER TEAM!!!"

They grunted. They sweated. One lady ripped a phonebook in half with her bare fucking hands.

She was an animal! Her forearm-veins popped.



POWER TEAM!

It was all anybody could talk about for days. We would crumple up our soda cans and grunt "Powwwa Team!!" It was the punchline.

I still do this. If it's funny once, it's funny every time.

Today's post about Power Dykes has nothing to do with the Power Team. It's just that every bitch from Bay View Middle School seems to have forgotten how amazing that was!

But I digress. We're here to talk homos. And inquiring minds want to know: What's a Power Dyke?

A Power Dyke is a lesbian who makes a lot of money in a professional setting. She may even make as much as a man!!
Probably not, though.

Power Dykes live in big cities. They don't rent; they buy. They flip houses. They have vacation homes. They also have a time-share at a condo in Mexico. More than the time-share itself, power dykes like to say, "I have a time-share at a condo in Mexico." (The feeling they get from saying this is a shudder of pleasure - something akin to an orgasm.) They drive subtly luxurious cars, but nothing as ostentatious as a BMW or a Porshe. Power dykes are more likely to to buy the really high-end Volvo, instead of the middle-of-the range Volvo. Wooo power has its perks.

Power dykes, for all their money, often dress astonishingly poorly. Your Super Power Dyke has a closet full of tailored suits and tasteful accessories, but the power dyke struggling up the corporate ladder wears pants that don't fit her and fugly polyester-mix jackets. She is identifiable by her bad haircut, which is a mixture of a butch haircut and a stripper haircut (think obvious highlights and the word "funky.") The resulting style is...confused.Now, power dykes tend to be incredibly private people. This is because they are afraid to be openly gay, as it might affect their jobs. A good place to look for a power dyke is in a hospital - either administration or one of the doctors. She might also be the CEO of an odd niche company that you've never heard of, like a company that makes carpet staples.

WORKAHOLIC! The power dyke defines herself by her job, like a dude. No fun. She does, however, pick up the check. And the rent. And the grocery bill. There is nothing the power dyke likes more than paying for your ass. Good thing, too, because there is nothing I like better than having someone pay for all my shit. In a social setting, the power dyke prefers classy straight bars, also known as "boring places." They have trouble getting laid and often post sad ads on Craigslist with the title "Professional Lesbian Seeking". (Wow! You're a professional lesbian?)


Power dykes are fucking freaks in bed. You work all day with douchebags in khakis, you wanna blow off a little steam. My friend "Ray" is a power dyke, and she bit a girl's tongue almost in half during sex. No lie. Bitch needed stitches! I dated one, and I couldn't walk properly for the entire 10 months of the relationship. Owww.

6 comments:

  1. You're right, I don't remember how amazing the Power Team was. We had crazy people with vein-popping muscles do a surprise acrobatic assembly for us? Weird.

    I don't believe you.

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  2. ah! you spelled "porsche" wrong!

    L

    {obviously a man's contribution)

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  3. lol oh man!! this is funny, but now i really dont know what i am... i love to work and pay for the girls im dating... but i drive a nice looking bucket hehehe =D

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  4. Spotting dyke (and bi-dyke) moms would be a great post.

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  5. OMG!!
    Bette Porter is THE hotest fictional Power Dyke out there...
    I looooooooove Jennifer Beals.

    The hotest real Power Dyke is Rachel Maddow... Geezus. She's just so cool.

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  6. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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