Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Bike Punk Dykes

Once upon a time in my early twenties, I met an interesting girl we'll call Kat.

Kat was muscle-y and had short, bleached-white hair. She had piercings all over her face, ripped tights, and a bad attitude. She a wore miniskirts with legwarmers and smoked cloves. She had a tattoo of the Mississippi River all the way down her back. I had never seen anything like her. I became instantly obsessed with my new mission: tracing down the Mississippi with my tongue.

When I finally achieved this goal, I noticed something: She tasted like dirt.

Kat was my first bike punk dyke.

A bike punk dyke is the same as a Rabidly Political Dyke, except she doesn't care about any cause except herself. And her bike.

Bike punk dykes won't call themselves lesbians. They use the word "queer" exclusively. This is in case they slip, while wasted, and have slutty times with a boy. Well, it's hard to tell what's under all that hair!

They only date each other. Because of this, the usual ban on sleeping with a friend's girlfriend is lifted. It is not unusual to meet a group of bike punk friends who: live together; have all slept together; are all currently sleeping together, and/or have members who are sleeping with each other "secretly" but everybody knows and is fine with it.

They talk in a strange language that involves the words "fixies" and "mustache handlebars" and "single-speeds" and "vertical dropout" and "grip-tape." Bike punk dykes sometimes buy really expensive bikes and then paint over the brand-names with black paint. Those are the bike punks with Rich Parent Shame.

Bike punks are dumpster-divers. Not because they want to reduce waste, but because they are cheap bastards. They are vegetarians by default, since meat goes bad fast in a dumpster. They'll drink if it's free. Hell, they'll drink if it's not free - bike punk dykes just drink.
They believe in anarchy, but only the fun kind of anarchy where you get to steal shit.
They are fun girls to have around. Bike punk fashion is awesome. These ladies know how to avoid work better than any other lezzies around. They love to dance, screw, and smoke. They always go to indie concerts. They do all their own piercings - how fucking hardcore is that? Plus they know how to do bonfires right. They swear like sailors, and they have great bodies.
Bike punk dykes do not wash. They don't take baths. Not for you, not for anybody. And they think their own "natural" (read: armpit) smell is sexy. Mmmm just imagine getting that gamey taste in your mouth...


  1. thanks for giving me a name for my one unrequited crush. she was a bike punk dyke with rich parent shame, hot tattoos, a black eye that lasted for months, and the sweetest honeywine voice ever. i was too intimidated to do much more than drool.

  2. Not washing is not a negative! It's the best part!

  3. ... haha ok i own a road bicycle, but i love showers... i mean c'mon sex in the shower is HOOOT!! i do the fem stuff too and i dont come from a rich family... I like clean girls XD