Friday, January 30, 2009

No Shit She's Gay - Butches





We’re going to start off easy. I give you The Classic Butch. This specimen is probably the easiest kind of dyke to identify, due to obvious physical characteristics. The Classic Butch has short, man-styled hair – no exceptions. She was, and still is, a tomboy. Growing up, she lived in fear of being forced to wear a pink tutu in the school dance number. She will not wear most feminine articles of clothing – The CB prefers to shop in the men’s section of department stores, always looking for that perfectly-fitting jacket, and never finding that perfectly-fitting pair of pants. She wears men’s cologne and men’s underwear – usually boxers. She has a permanent fear of using public restrooms, as some bitch will invariably sneer at her, “Excuse me, but this is the WOMEN’S bathroom!”


It is possible that she has had the shit kicked out of her on more than one occasion for the way she looks. She has learned, by now, how to fight back. This cultivates the tough-on-the-outside-but-marshmallow-on-the-inside thing that CBs have going for them. Butches are the permanent underdog. Women attracted to them feel protected by their Classic Butch, and also extremely protective.


Often shy until she feels comfortable with you, the CB is intensely loyal to both her partner and her friends, many of whom she’s known for decades. She embarrasses easily, and her pride is also wounded easily. She is intensely hard-working, solid, and proud of herself. She is probably over 40. Often, a CB will work in a blue-collar job – factory work, maintenance, auto stuff, construction. She usually is good with money, unless it has to do with her partner. This is the area where Classic Butches lose all reason – if they love you, they will buy you/give you/steal for you ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING. She will fix your car. She will kill all the spiders. She will give you pocket money, buy you Godiva, and force you to upgrade your phone. All you have to do is love her. Sadly, many Classic Butches become bitter, as their hearts are fragile and easily trampled upon. Many straight women have dated CBs directly after deciding they’re “done with” men. They are delighted to find they can be fucked (and well!) by a masculine (butch), yet non-threatening (because she’s female) force. Plus, the butch has the added bonus of smelling just like wonderful men’s cologne, and she remembers your favorite flower. What more could you ask for?


Warning: Classic Butches are either fan-fucking-tastically, jaw-droppingly amazing in bed, or they suck. There is no middle ground…and it can be hard to tell beforehand which one it’s gonna be. It is a gambling situation. Some CBs are all talk and a huge disappointment. Others will blow you away. Heh. Some butches are stone, which means they never let anyone reciprocate sex acts with them. They get sexual pleasure from giving you sexual pleasure. If you’re a lazy motherfucker and that sounds great, or you're into bottoming 100% all the time, a stone butch is for you.

The Classic Butch drinks beer and can be found anywhere beer is cheap. She can appreciate a good wine, especially when coupled in front of a fireplace with a lovely female. CBs can definitely fix a flat. They may hate sports, but they keep up with major sporting events – they never know when they will be in a group of guys or other butches at the bar, and The Competition For Who Is The Butchest will commence. Butches use hair gel and should stop it immediately. They are secretly terrified of centipedes and mice, but know it is up to them to deal with such creatures. Although a Classic Butch would like everyone to think she is the top, or the sexually dominant person in the relationship, it entirely possible that she takes all kinds of bossing in her own home and bed. She is at her happiest when you are screaming your head off and leaving claw marks down her back on a lazy Sunday morning.


DEAD GIVEAWAYS THE WOMAN YOU ARE INTERESTED IN IS A CLASSIC BUTCH LESBIAN:


-She could be mistaken for a man (if you were blind and a douchewit.)
-She makes extreme eye contact with you, speaking directly and using her hands a lot.
-While making conversation, her cheeks or ears flush bright red.
-She guides you into a room like a gentleman, with her hand on the small of your back.
-Do you smell Aqua di Gio? Burberry for Men? Perhaps…Axe?
-No makeup. None. Not even a little. Not even concealer.
-She has plain, short nails.
-She gets very interested and quiet when there is a girly discussion about something, like shoes.
-She shuffles her feet and hunches her back. (This is from years of getting picked on.)
-She says things like, “You ladies go ahead without me.”
-She’s a shockingly bad dancer – at least to club music. She can definitely line-dance. She secretly dreams of the tango.
-She’s wearing all men’s clothing, and some of it doesn’t fit her very well.
-She could talk forever about the length settings on her hair clippers.
-She does all the things men used to do – opens doors, carries heavy stuff, walks you to your car, helps you with your jacket, pulls out chairs, etc.
-She always, always has gum or mints.
-She appears to have no breasts. (She probably just has one or two very tight sports bras or a binder on.)
-No jewelry. Especially no earrings, unless there is only one and it is a stud, or there are two tiny metal studs in each ear. No sparklies allowed. 
-Small children follow her around like she’s Jesus. (Children adore butch lesbians. It’s a proven fact.)
-You met her at the dog park.
-She built something for you. Anything. Shelves, a little bitty birdhouse, anything.
-One word for you: Plaid.


Finally, Classic Butches do not laugh at jokes with the word “pussy” in them. They are much too classy. They do not refer to women as “bitches” and they like terrible movies like The Notebook and Sweet Home Alabama. This is because they still believe their true love is out there. Warm, wounded, and funny as shit, the true Classic Butch is a rare, fine breed of lesbian.

16 comments:

  1. I'm not familiar with your blog, so perhaps I don't have an appreciation for your humor that might have otherwise been built up over time. But as an uninitiated Effing Dykes first-time reader linked through from somewhere else, this post is a wildly offensive barrage of cliches and stereotypes.

    The idea that all - or even most - "Classic Butches" share such specific backgrounds, interests, and personality traits is truly short-sighted. I can't imagine where you even came up with all this, honestly, but it was obviously not from first-hand experience with butch-identified lesbians.

    And this bit is just staggering:
    "Some butches are stone, which means they never let anyone reciprocate sex acts with them. They get sexual pleasure from giving you sexual pleasure. If you're a lazy motherfucker and that sounds great, a stone butch is for you."

    That is so dismissive and prejudiced toward stone butches and their lovers. It's deeply disappointing that these kinds of genderphobic stereotypes are still being perpetuated.

    Before you continue with your series, perhaps you could ask someone who identifies as the gender you're writing about to comment on your thoughts. There are tons of people on the web who are open about their gender, right in your blog list in fact. Perhaps they might help you consider the subject more meaningfully.

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  2. Hey, thanks for your comment.
    I do write about stereotypes, but I try to do it in a humorous way.

    We may have different senses of humor.

    Keep reading - there's a lot more to Effing Dykes than catagorizing and teasing the lesbians.
    Although that's the fun part.

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  3. Very good and funny write-up.

    I don't think people should take this too seriously like they are, it's just a humour piece isn't it, with hints of truth!

    Can't wait to read your next article!

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  4. Love the site - a great read - NOW where are all those femme loving Effing Dykes hiding!!!

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  5. I just discovered your blog, and love this post.

    I love butches. They make me feel faint and my legs go out under me like jello whenever I see one.

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  6. damn, this made me so nostalgic for my butch ex. Even though she didn't call herself butch, and also was NOT chivalrous, she mostly fit this description.

    *sigh*

    Your post sounds like a reading of Leslie Feinberg's "Stone Butch Blues."

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  7. I second the Stone Butch Blues reminder, and for the record, I loved the "lazy motherfucker" bit.

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  8. classic butches make me swoooooon. for me, i believe they are the most masculine type of person out there (sorry bio guys). i feel so damn womanly when i'm with one!!

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  9. My ex (the baby butch) turned me on to this blog a few weeks ago. I love your posts so much I've started at square one to read them all! This post KILLED me with how right on it is about my most favorite of lesbians... The classic butch. My fiance (classic butch) is almost everything you say here. I love the affection and humor you use when discussing this mist amazing of women. Love it!!

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  10. i like your posts about the types of lesbians. I will continue to read but i do suggest that getting more reference would do you good. Just walk around and ask CB's, or ask the partner of one. I've never dated a CB but i'm sure it is "almost" of what you stated. Just ALMOST. Not all the way becasue with time everything changes :)

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  11. So I was on my stumble account and I ran across this. I just came out last year and I have to say that this pretty much describes me give or take a few items. I found it very humorous and just totally made my day. :)

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  12. <3 butch love!
    as a side note, in the US there seems to be a bit of a taboo about butches being into other butches. So another possible characteristic is that if she's into other butches she might try to keep it a secret. In australia we don't seem to have that problem so much.

    In any case, if there were ever any doubt, i would like to say as a butch that other butches drive me freakin' wild.

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  13. Dude...you just described my girlfriend to a T. Well, her most days anyway. Some days she wears makeup. :P

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  14. I was just stumbled through when I came across your blog and I've been laughing ever since. You just described a few of my friends to a T. I am glad I found you...I am sharing :)

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  15. lol!! loved it. Sounds pretty much like my girlfriend. Although she does use make up for special occasions but asks me to help her with it and doesn't like to over do it... haha Meaning no lipstick or nothing else! just a bit of mascara and powder. Also every time she tells me "you're so hot" I tell her oh come on baby no I'm not (playing all coy) she's like "you women are crazy.. of course you are..."

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