Thursday, January 29, 2009

#1

Welcome to Effing Dykes, a blog for the people who want to figure out which girls are gay.

Lesbians are awesome and everywhere.
You meet them every damn day. And we're going to learn all about how to spot them, right here on Effing Dykes. Why? Because I love sleeping with girls, and I want you to have that joy, too!
Maybe you're a girl just figuring out you like other girls. Maybe you're forty and still can't tell if the woman you're dating will leave you for dick in the end. Maybe you're a dude whose girlfriends, over and over again, keep dumping him for women. You need some help.


Q: But how do we know what lesbians look like?

A: It's fucking impossible. You need guidence, and that's why I'm here. My name is Krista, and I have spectacular gaydar. You could call it a gift. My gaydar is the Eighth Wonder of the World. No homo can hide from me. I will find her out. Everyone, friends, is good at something, and I am good at quickly figuring out if someone is a muffdiver. Don’t be jealous – I’m sure you can multiply big numbers in your head or something.

It's not really your fault. How on Earth are you supposed to know? There are so many different types of women out there who may or may not be gay! There are femmes, and they look straight to you, but they’re totally gay. There are butch women with dyke haircuts and men’s carpenter jeans, and they’re straight. There is a whole category of women who look gay and aren’t and are completely offended to be asked. There is another whole category of women who look straight and aren’t and are completely offended to be asked. What about androgynous women? What about the entire state of Minnesota? What about girls with trendy glasses in art school? What about hippie chicks? What about trans girls? But most importantly, what about YOU??? How are you going to get laid?

Let's go hunting.

25 comments:

  1. Hey Krista... I just got linked to this blog two days ago and just finished reading it backwards. You are fucking amazing. Thank you for writing and existing and fucking.

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  2. yessss! made it to the end!
    love your blog. go. forever.

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  3. I'm #4!!! I'm #4!!! I'm #4!!!...
    My lezzie friend turned me on to you and now I need an intervention. Uh-may-zing. I can't stop reading and I don't want it to end.
    Baci,
    Neal

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  4. This blog makes me wish I wasn't bi. Who needs men when you're having this much fun? xx

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  5. Fuck yeah. I too made it to the end. I'm so proud of myself! =)

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  6. Will you please please please post more categorizations about femmes?
    I know I'm not a super femme. And I know I'm not a boi or a dyke or.. etc. I'm a femme. Straight up(ok not straight at all...) Anyway.
    I feel like something is missing, and it's the other femmes.
    For once in my life, I want to be stuck in a big fat stereotype. And it's only because I think you did you so well with the others.
    Thanks.

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  7. I'm starting from the beginning and working my way to the present. I can not wait to see how and when so many pictures got added to your stories. Keep writing so that when ever I get to the present moment there is another one to read.

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  8. Oh no! Just finished! Now how will I 'study'...

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  9. OMG I finally read your entire blog you rock my socks!!! effing awesome blog!

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  10. Love your blog, think it gets better as time goes on (you're a little bitter at the beginning), think you should consider the Queer lesbian (eg. often confused with 'I Just Love Who I Love' lesbian except she doesn't parade it around, she just takes a lot of Women's Studies and Queer Theory classes and doesn't want to leave any genders out!)

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  11. I too am joining the club of "read the whole thing backwards". Is that like joining the Mile-High Club? Do I at least get some kind of award? Is there a secret handshake?

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  12. ... hmm i still dont know what to call myself other than Lesbian haha. Went through the "types" and well i think i have a bit of everything, i get yelled at on the phone, i like watching sports and drinking beer, i am youg and have short hair, and i am very nice and respectful to women and tell them that i will treat way better than a dude would... and i say "dude" alot... hmm really i think i'm just a lesbian hehe =D

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  13. yet another who just trawled through to the end! Achievement! .... oh crap.

    Keep up the great work, and I love how your style evolved over time.

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  14. I read it from the end! As a new baby dyke, I feel like I've already learned so much! Not to mention, called my best friend to read her some of the funniest/most accurate things I've ever read! haha Thank you!!:)

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  15. Also just read to the end. Also love you / think this is the most hilarious thing in the world!!

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  16. I too just spent all day in bed reading this and not doing homework. Totally worth it! Thanks so much for the blog, it's probably my most-often checked page. And personally, I can't wait to see if you're ever able to write about us pansexuals, as we are tricksy little devils!

    PS--I saw you at Brown a few months ago. You're awesome. Thank you!

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  17. I just finished the whole blog recent-this. I think if there was ever a manual handed out to babydykes this would need to be it. Not only is everything super accurate but I did tons of these things before I even knew they were gay.

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  18. I just read the whole frickin blog. And must I say, I fell in love with it. I would read at least 4,5,9 articles everyday and I had to fight myself off to start doing homework.
    Keep writing forever, 'cause we love ya Krista!!!!! ♥ Good gosh, darlin', you're hilarious!

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  19. made it to the end!!!
    great,an amazing,super fucking blog!!!
    keep writing krista!!

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  20. I have now read every single entry on your blog. I love everything. You're so great!

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  21. Well now what the fuck am I supposed to do at work? Thanks for a wild ride Krista. I also just finished reading you backwards. Now post a few hundred new blogs to give me something to do. I look forward to it. Love and white undies. -A

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  22. Count me in on the backwards club, too. Loved it all. I'm sorry, but the posts I laughed the hardest at were the ones where you got hurt. I want to read more, so stay safe!

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  23. oh, my.. now what? just read it all way back from 2013. =( oh yeah, re-read it! =D

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  24. Also just joined the read through it backwards club! I waffle around in the space between asexual and gay, and I struggle to find people and the only people who find me are men. Thanks for all the laughs, gaydar, and authenticity about your own life!

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