Friday, May 5, 2017

Getting to Know You


Hi faggettes!

How’s it going?

It’s SPRIIIING here in Minneapolis and Tawnya has been outside for days, ripping out the dead weeds in the backyard and building a fenced-in enclosure for my baby rabbits, Timothy Maxwell Thumperton and Stevie Wonderbun, to romp in.

[isn't our garden cute??]

Wait, did I ever even tell you that I have two rabbits now instead of just one?
I didn’t!

OK well: A couple of years ago, Timmy was showing signs of being lonely and I’d been thinking about getting another rabbit to give him company. In the meantime, my ex adopted a little fluffball of a baby bun to live with her.
(Pet rabbits are magic and also contagious.)

We introduced them to each other one day and they fell hopelessly, helplessly in love.

Now Stevie lives with Timmy and they spend hours lying on the floor just like this, arguing over which Netflix series to watch and whose turn it is to sweep up the snacks they spilled.



Also, here’s Stevie as a baby, so you can understand that Timmy’s heart never stood a chance.


So! It’s warm out at last and I’ve been startlingly busy—writing new pieces (another NYT article went up! and the Rookie Podcast went live!), pitching new places with article ideas, and working my full-time copywriting day job, which I don’t even hate.

My coworkers are nice, I have a sunny private desk, and I can even can walk to work—it’s exactly three miles each way, past blooming crepe myrtle trees.  

My life is light-years away from what it was just a few months ago, gheys.

[via alivetillthe-end]

It's been a great and happy month (apart from the horrific shit that's happening in the news) and I feel like my world is expanding.

I’ve been working on saying “yes” to more things, even when I privately think, “This activity sounds like way less fun than being in my house and watching Harlots with my roommates.”


Other than work (writing) and after-hours work (writing), the other thing that’s keeping me ~ambitiously scheduled~ is dating.

Lots of dating.
I don’t think I’ve mentioned it yet, sluts, but I’m regularly dating a couple. As in, going out with two dykes who are solidly partnered and also dating me.
I understand that lots of people do this, but I never have.

Dating a couple makes me feel like a kid who loves reading about bulldozers standing in front of a construction site, seeing a bulldozer in real life for the first time.


Dating a couple is both great and...odd. I’m used to flirting (lol “flirting”) with one person at a time, and it’s kind of tricky to sit across a restaurant booth from two different cuties with two entirely different personality types and flirt with both of them simultaneously.

I mean, I’m up for the challenge.
There’s plenty of awkward to go around, y’all.


We’ve all been dating—really dating, going on giddy outings and having private one-on-one dates and making out—since December.

But you know what we haven’t done yet?
We haven’t had sex.
Four months of dating, qweeahs.
Four months of dating without sex, even once.
It’s like being Mormon all over again.

There has been no sex because we are “taking it slow,” at their request.
I’m serious.
We’re taking it slow the way glaciers carve continents.
Slow like a mountain being worn away by a drip of water.

This slow-taking has been a difficult concept for me to grasp, because for me, historically, “taking it slow” has meant “waiting until the second date, or at least until dinner is over on the first date.”
The level of taking it slow that we’re playing with here is a whole new world for me. A world I have no experience in.
It’s all so new.

And you gays, it’s…fun.
It's really fun.


I’m tightly wound.
I’m backed up.

I’m at the point that if one of them is lightly touching one of their knees to mine under the restaurant table, I’m made out of stars, all electric, on high alert.

One of them touched my boob during a makeout and I was like “I HAVE NEVER FELT MY BOOB BEFORE.”


My heart was pounding.
I had to steady myself against the wall.
Sex at the nursing home is gonna be LIT.



This whole situation has gotten me thinking. Why is this the first time in my life I’ve ever actually taken it slow in a relationship? Why is this the first “long courtship” (lmao I sound like a Duggar) I’ve ever experienced?
Both members of this couple I’m dating love to do this—reeeeeealllly draw out the period of time before sex happens.

It’s fetish-level, and it’s the opposite of anything I’ve ever experienced. It has literally never occurred to me that not doing it right away—building up an intense level of anticipation—could also be sexy.

[via omenmag]

One of the dykes in the couple is slowly dating someone else in this exact manner, too, and that person coined a term for what’s going on here: chasterbation.
Isn’t that good?


And isn’t this weird? Who would have ever thought that not having sex right away could feel kinky as fuck?
I hate to admit it, but I’m learning something about myself though this wildly chaste couple-dating situation: I’ve never given myself even a second to breathe between sex partners.

Sex partners, hell—I’ve never given myself any time between partners in general.  

Maybe, maaaaybe I’ve forgotten what dating actually is: a way to get to know someone.

[via totallylesbians]

There are pros and cons to each system, I guess.

When you have sex immediately, you know what you’re working with in bed, which is crucial. But! (if you’re me), you also maybe get a little blinded by the ::haze of sex:: to a new crush’s actual personality.

Like sure, she’s horrible at regular life tasks such as doing chores, holding down a job, and shopping for/cooking food, but hey, you’re so deliciously sore from getting fucked that you can hardly pee without shrieking!

[via deejay-life]

And so you continue onwards, cheerfully entering a new relationship with a cute person, dizzy from orgasms and lack of sleep... and then you blink hard, four months later, when you suddenly realize: y'all have major problems when you're not physically touching each other's genitals.

Wait, how much do you actually know, compatibility-wise, about this person you can’t stop fucking who is now your girlfriend?

Uh-oh. You’re in a relationship founded on good sex and...hang on, not much else.


Welcome to my reality.
Come in, take off your shoes, let’s get comfy.

I can’t believe it’s taken me this many years to figure out this particular pattern of mine.

Dating is about getting to know someone over time.

Dating does not necessarily have to always be about getting as much incredible sex as you can handle and then trying to force its source into being a good partner for you.



I’m not saying that taking it as slow as I’m going with the couple is the answer (because this is an outrageous amount of time and yet I’m still very interested for scientific purposes), but! Maybe I should do a bit more probing (yes) into what someone’s personality is really like before sleeping with them and then deciding they’re fantastic because they can do that thing with their tongue.


[via childmagazine]

Lotta things for a slut like me to think about!

Hope you all have days that keep slowly getting warmer!

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

And What It Did to You


Morning, honeybushers!
The sun’s streaming in my window, and I can tell it’s going to be a gorgeous, almost-warm day. I’m lying in bed, drinking black coffee out of a boob-shaped mug, and rolling around on my new pink satin sheets, which were a stunning impulse purchase that make me feel like a 50s Hollywood blonde excited about getting a single line in a B horror movie.

[sophistication costs exactly $14 on Amazon]

Today I woke up with somethin’ on my mind: Non-monogamy.

Specifically, some of the not-so-cute behaviors that sometimes come along for the ride with non-monogamy.


Why’s this on my mind?
Because I’m dating around and sleeping with queers and trying not to hurt anyone too much in the process, and...so is almost everyone else I meet these days.

Maybe it’s the homos I’m hanging out with, but damn—there is a definite uptick in the number of people doing non-monogamy from when I was dating people while in a committed relationship five or six years ago.




In my experience, just a half-decade ago, being into non-monogamy was still perceived as a bit ~out there~.


It was something you really had to explain hard to friends at brunch, who would nod and then nervously put their arms around their girlfriends before asking the waiter if there was any way they could get more soy creamer.


It was a slightly more innocent time. Battered copies of The Ethical Slut were passed around. People quietly asked you how your open relationship worked, then sighed and said, “I’d love to do that but my girlfriend would never go for it.”  


[I'll loan it to you but only if you don't return it all sticky]

Fast-forward to today, and suddenly, it feels like everyone’s doing it.

Pretty much every other Tinder profile I see says “ethically non-monogamous” or “poly and proud” or “in an open relationship.”

Most queer couples I know are into the idea of possibly having an open relationship at some point, if they’re not already actively doin’ it.

Things are different now, sluts.


And? That is wonderful. I’m thrilled!

It’s a gorgeous thing when people are open about their desires and needs, and upfront about exactly what they’re looking for in a potential new relationship.

I’m personally excited that non-monogamous relationships are becoming a more mainstream choice for living.

(It means I get to explain myself less and fuxx more, thank the Goddess.)


[via look_at_this_pussy]


But! I’ve been noticing something odd lately.
Something real gay.
Something that is the literal opposite of what’s going on in HeteroWorld™.


Queers are starting to feel bad if they’re not into non-monogamy.


Non-monogamy: so hot right now.



All the kids are doing it!

And what if...what if you don’t want to?


That’s fucking OK, lesbiqueers.


You don’t have to do it.


I’ve been noticing some gheys apologizing for wanting to be monogamous, or feeling kind of “uncool” if they’re not toooootallly OK with the idea of non-monogamy.

And here’s the thing: feeling uncool can sometimes lead to shitty situations, like people who are not actually into non-monogamy feeling pressure to be in or stay in a relationship situation that they’re not ready for.
Y’allfags.


Non-monogamous relationships, in any form, do not work and are not healthy unless everyone involved wants to do it.



You cannot have a healthy non-monogamous relationship where one person wants to be open and the other doesn't...but is agreeing to do it so they can keep dating the person who wants it.

That’s not how this works.
Everybody has to want it, or somebody’s going to get hurt.

Guess what else? If someone wants to be non-monogamous, knows the person they’re dating does not, and continues to date other people, actively causing their original dating partner pain…that is fucked.


I keep seeing this! What is this, sugarplums?


You know the person you’re dating.
You know when they’re in love with you.
You do. Admit it.

[this is Stella and literally everyone is in love with her]

If someone is in love with you, and you know they’re only agreeing to an open relationship to keep you in their life, and you are hurting them, end it.


End it! What are you even doing?

It’s like the thing my mom told me about sex (when she still thought I would get married to a man and have wedding-night sex as a virgin):


If something hurts in a bad way, no one should be getting pleasure from it.

Don't get your ego stroked by having someone ache over you. 



Now, everyone is grown, but:

If your person is not 100% capable, re: being in love with you, of ending your relationship together, and you know they are quietly dying inside while you date and/or fuck others, you need to end it.
Non-monogamous lovin’ ain’t for everyone, and it’s certainly not for people who don’t really want to be there but are taking what they can get from someone they’re heartsick over.

Let me just say this:

Non-monogamy is not cooler than monogamy.

Poly is not better than monogamous.

Open is not better than closed.


It is OK to want whatever you want, loves.

It is understandable to NOT BE AT ALL OK with the idea of your beautiful sweet tender partner sharing beautiful sweet tender moments or sex with anyone else.


It’s OK to want a closed relationship, just you and another person.


It’s OK if you’ve tried non-monogamy in the past, gotten burned, and are no longer interested in trying.

If you want to be the only very special person in someone’s life, and be their only other very special person, with no one else involved, it’s OK to openly say that. You don’t have to pretend to be fine and casual about being in a situation that makes you incredibly uncomfortable or hurts you.


You deserve the kind of love that you want, in whatever form that comes in (as long as what you want isn’t illegal.)



You’re not down with non-monogamy? Say so.


You don’t want to deal with the massive amounts of communication that healthy non-monogamous/open relationships require?

It’s alright, BB.

Don’t agree to something that you already know will cause you pain, even if lots of other queermos are doing it.

[via childmagazine]

And so many queers are doing it.

And some queers are using “being non-monogamous” as an excuse to act like assholes.


Being non-monogamous is not a license to do whatever you want, all the time, without regard to how it affects others.


Being ethically non-monogamous or poly or open is the literal opposite of that—it’s an agreement that you will check in.

[via TwentyFirstCenturyBlues.tumblr.com]

It’s an agreement that you will have and respect clear boundaries.

It’s an agreement that you will spend more time than you even thought you had making damn sure that every single person involved with you feels respected, safe, and heard.

It means you listen, even when you are exhausted by the idea of listening to one more person having one more feeling.

You don’t get to just do whatever you like and cause an emotional massacre all around you while claiming that no one can blame you because “you warned them” you were non-monogamous.

Ew, my loves.


Let's do better, shall we?